A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. And just how would I go about doing that? he asked.
It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
Crap! exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, What did he say? The wife yells back to him, GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!
There were these three nuns that wanted the weekend off from being so holy. So they went up to the high priest and asked him for the day off. The priest said it was alright as long as they came back on Monday and told him what they did. The nuns agreed and scurried off. On Monday the nuns came back and went to the priest. The first nun was in confession and said to the priest, Forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest asked her what she had done. I ran down my street naked The priest shakes his head ad looks at the nun and says Go drink some holy water and say the Our Father 10 times. The nun obeys. Then third nun starts to snicker. The secnd nun goes into the room and says forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest looks at her and says What did you do? I watched a pornographich movie The priests shakes his head and looks at the nun. Go drink some holy water and then come back and say 20 Our Fathers The nun obeys. By this time the third nun is on the floor laughing. The priest comes over to her and asks And what did you do that was so funny? She smiles at him and says I peed in the holy water!
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didnt mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; Im sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldnt be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, shell keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
Parasites par-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm-uh-sist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize po-lur-ize: What penguins see with.
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said:
Is my wife here?
His wife replies: Yes, dear, Im here, next to you..
The Scot goes: Are my children here?
Yes, daddy, we are all here? say the children.
The Scot: Are my other relatives also here?
And they say: Yes, we are all here…
The Scot gets up and says: Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?
Hes as sharp as a beach ball.
In 1990, the [United States] Customs Service launched six helium-filled balloons equipped with surveillance equipment to detect drug smuggling along the Mexican border.
The balloons cost $90 million to build and $30 million to operate during the thirty months in which agents seized only 3000 pounds of marijuana and nine weapons.
Even though this works out to $40000 for each pound of marijuana seized, Sen. Dennis DeConcini (D-Arizona) defended the program by pointing out that the low numbers prove the balloons are deterring smuggling activity.