Old and New Jokes

Se casan los inditos Micaíla y Lorenzo Rafaíl. Se llega la noche de bodas; y ya estando en su apogeo y desenfrenamiento sexual, la indita exclama con singular alegría:

Aaayyyy, Lorenzo Rafaíl, mi abrumas…

En eso, Lorenzo Rafaíl deja de hacer todo su numerito, se para todo encanijado, y le dice a su linda esposa:

A ver, pinche india cabrona, de cuando acá me sales con palabritas de ciudá… A ver, respóndeme: ¿qué es eso de que ti abrumo?

En eso se suelta risa y risa la indita, y le contesta:

Ay, Lorenzo Rafaíl. Si sirás pendejo, lo que te digo es que si me abro más…

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive, they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives. The professor leered and said, Youll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long.

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The prof sneered and said, Whats your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isnt until Saturday!

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, Ive kidnapped you.

She then wrote a big note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.

The blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

Theres three guys on the beach and they all three notice a bottle in
the ocean and all go to grab it at the same time. A genie pops out and
says, I can only offer three wishes, so you each get one wish.

The first guy, who is a Jew, says I want all of my Jewish
brethren to move back to Jeruselem and live happily ever after.

The genie says, Fine, its done.

The second guy, who is a Negro, says I want all my bruthas to
move back to Africa and live in total harmony.

The genie says, Fine, its done.

The third guy, an Alabama Redneck says Now let me get this
straight, All the Jews are in Jeruselem and all the Negroes are in
Africa?

The genie says, Thats correct.

Well hell, the Redneck says, Just give me an Ol Milwalkee
cause life dont get no better than this.

Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling 86, 86, 86.

He asks the man, Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling 86, 86, 86?

The man says,Well, I cant tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, Okay. The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole,and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling 87, 87, 87…

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

En una calle de Sevilla, en pleno agosto, a las cinco de la tarde, con 40º C a la sombra, una multitud se agolpa en un portal. En frente, un señor en cambio se tuesta al sol. Una viejecita, sorda casi totalmente, al pasar queda sorprendida de toda la gente allí presente y pregunta:

Perdone, ¿me podría decir que hace tanta gente aquí?

Sí, claro, es que se ha muerto Roberto, un viajante. Lo van a llevar ahora al cementerio.

¿Qué dice joven, qué aquí vivía un gigante?

Un gigante no, un viajante, un vendedor…

Ya, ya le he entendido. ¿Y estaba casado el gigante?

Sí, señora, estaba casado, pero no era un gigante, era un VIAJANTE.

¡No me grite, joven! ¿E hijos, tenía hijos el gigante?

Sí, un niño y una niña, pero no era gigante, era VIAJANTE, un vendedor…

Ya, ya, ya sé que era gigante… ¡Qué pena de muchachos!

¡Señora, que es un VIAJANTE!

En esto, sale por la puerta del portal el ataúd con el cuerpo del viajante y, la señora fijándose que es un féretro de tamaño normal le reprocha:

Oiga, ¿y en ese ataúd va el gigante?

No, señora, ahí va su pene, el gigante viene detrás

A bologna sandwich walks into a bar, sits down, and starts to order a drink. The bartender looks at him funny and says Get out of here. We dont serve food in here!

Q – What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs propped up against a wall?

A – Eileen

The other day was take your daughter to work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters.
Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
The helicopter ejector seat

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
— Groucho Marx