Old and New Jokes

Latin Course To Be Canceled–No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike–Management: No Big Deal

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails–Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.



Cuzz the cat had pounced on him

And tore him apart –

Ate his mouse intestines

And chewed up his heart.



Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,

Which made him take pause –

He stopped daintily licking

The blood from his claws.



Must be Santa, thought Kitty

(That quite clever cat)

Cuz nobody else climbs down

The chimney like that.



Indeed it was ol Santa

So jolly and fat

With a huge load of presents

And all for the cat!



Wow, the best Christmas ever!

Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball

And shed some more fur!

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you cant tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you wont dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.

Thanks doc, Ill try it. And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

What? My recommendation didnt work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is! answered the doctor.

Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction, replied the patient.

What is that supposed to mean? demanded the doctor.

Well, I dont smoke cigars anymore, but now I cant go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt.

Q: What happened when the blonde went to the movie theater?A: She saw the “NC-17: Under 17 not admitted” sign, so she went home and got 16 friends.

Un tío le pregunta a un amigo suyo, que es comunista:

Oye, ¿tú me podrías explicar qué es la dialéctica marxista?

Sí, mira, te lo voy a explicar con un ejemplo. Imagínate que hay un hombre sucio al lado de una bañera: ¿se bañará?

Sí, claro.

Pues no. Un hombre sucio, es sucio por naturaleza; no se bañará porque no conoce las virtudes de la higiene, y esa es la razón por la que está sucio en primer lugar. ¿Lo comprendes?

Hombre, tiene su lógica.

Bueno, ahora vuelve a imaginarte a un hombre sucio al lado de una bañera: ¿se bañará o no?

No.

Vuelves a estar equivocado. Vamos a ver, si está sucio ¿por qué no va a bañarse? Lo más probable es que el hombre esté al lado de la bañera precisamente porque iba a bañarse. ¿Lo comprendes?

Sí.

Bueno, pues ahora, imagínate de nuevo a este hombre sucio al lado de la bañera: ¿se bañará o no?

¡Y yo que sé!

Bueno, pues eso es lo de la tesis, antítesis y síntesis.

What do you call a Paki that came last in a race?

– Ranshit

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.

Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!

Thats what everyone thinks snickered Satan.

The bottle has a hole in it!

What about the PC?

Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan.

And its missing three keys,

Which three?

Control, Alt and Delete.