Old and New Jokes

Un día un tipo se despertó y notó que le había crecido un pene justo en el medio de la frente. Preocupado, va al médico. El médico lo revisa y le dice:

¿Tiene una biblia?

Sí, contesta el paciente.

Léala y vuelva la semana que viene.

A la semana siguiente el hombre vuelve con el pene en la frente.

Me leí toda la Biblia doctor, ¿quiere preguntarme algo?

No, no, está bien. Bueno ahora busque un libro de historia, léalo y vuelva la semana que viene.

A la semana siguiente el tipo vuelve.

Me leí toda la historia del país doctor, ¿quiere preguntar algo?

No, no, está bien. Ahora, léase un libro de la segunda guerra mundial.

Y el paciente se cansó: Doctor me tiene harto. ¿Qué clase de terapia es ésta? ¿Para qué carajo me hace leer tanto?

¡Porque cuando te crezcan los huevos no vas a poder leer más!

A Jewish mothers answering machine:

If you want lox and eggs, press 1;


If you want knishes press 2;


If you want chicken soup, press 3;


If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;

If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows? I could even


be dead by now.

Selected-By: David Sewell dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

O Oracle most Usenet, How may I become usenet, too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet, asking you:

Do you believe in the Net our God? (respond, I do.)
Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?
Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and was buried, and rose in Version 3.0?
Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the Information Superhighway?
Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?
Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the incarnations of Satan?
Do you renounce his programs and temptations?

If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer. Prepare yourself, for the day of the Highway is near!

A repeat offender was brought before the judge, who said, Havent I seen you in here several times before? And didnt I tell you I never wanted to see you in here again?

The offender replied, Yes, Your Honor, thats exactly what I told the officer, but he insisted I come anyway!

If youre a bear



If youre a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.



Before you hibernate, youre supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.



If youre a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.



If youre a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.



I wanna be a bear.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for
traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since
hes in a good mood that day he decides to give the
poor fellow a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
Fred, he replies.

Fred what? the officer asks.

Just Fred, the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man
tells him that he used to have a last name but
lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but
plays along with it.

Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The man replies, Its a long story so stay with me.
I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed
to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college medical school,
internship, residency, finally got my degree so was
Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided
to go back to school. Dentistry was my
dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree
so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around
with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found
out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD VD. Then the AMA found out about
the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling
with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling so now
Im just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears laughing.

Where in the world did you pick up that dirty thing? asked the bartender. Won it in a raffle said the pig.

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasnt very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.During this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and the lecturer standing in the front of the room, barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in, didnt help him at all.He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said, Pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room.Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into fourty, and almost an hour after the test was officially over, our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor had been sitting at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.What do you think youre doing? the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams. It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.Turning in my exam, retorted the student confidently.Im afraid I have some bad news for you, the profesor gloated, Your exam

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Vincent: One dollar

Teacher (sadly): You dont know your arithmetic.

Vincent (sadly): You dont know my father.

A wise man once said that having children is hereditary.

Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didnt have children, chances are you wont either.