Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

A: You cant hear an enzyme.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.



When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.



He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Courage is your greatest present need.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and its clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation, and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we dont have much money and we dont have any material possessions. However, one thing I can
tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis. After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, Girls, Ive got a confession to make. I was just
trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about?
Well, its not to the French Riviera. Its to my parents house in Philadelphia for two weeks. The second one says, Your honesty has shamed me. Its not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda. Well, the third
one says, I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, I bet you are a surgeon. She confirms and asks how he knew.

Easy, youre always washing your hands.

She then says, I bet youre an anesthesiologist.

Male doctor: Wow, how did you guess?

Female doctor: I didnt feel a thing!

You might be a redneck if…
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Burns!
Burns who?
Durns me up!

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells Give me a Budweiser, or…! Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

Give me a Budweiser, or…! O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?

stammers the bartender.

A small Coke.

Hanlons Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.