Old and New Jokes

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something youd want to have dinner with.

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadnt been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, We cant ship your new order until you pay for the last one.

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, Please cancel the order. We cant wait that long.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a cross-country flight, when the captain came on the loudspeaker and said that the passengers should prepare for a crash landing.

The priest and rabbi both made the sign of the cross at the same time, much to the wonderment of the priest!

He was so confused that he asked the rabbi, When did the jewish people start making the sign of the cross?

The rabbi answered, What cross? Im just checking: [and here you have to make the sign of the cross, using one touch as you say each word] spectacles; testicles; bankbook; checkbook!

I once had a highly qualified applicant for the position of Motor Equipment Operator with the State Highway Administration. When I reviewed his application though, I wasnt sure about hiring him.

One of the questions was: Have you ever been arrested?

He had entered No in the blank space provided.

Printed on the same line within the form was Why?

His answer – Aint never been caught.

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didnt believe in Heaven or Hell.
Marry him anyway dear. the Mother said. Between the two of us, well show him just how wrong he is.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You go up to her and say Hi, Im great in bed, what about it?.

Thats direct marketing.

You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, what about it?.

Thats advertising.

You go to a party, you see a SEXY girl across the room. She comes over and says, Hi, I hear youre great in bed, what about it?

Now that is the power of branding!

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.

The Pope says, No way. You cant do that.

The Queen says, Watch this.

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought shed be able to do it.

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.

The Queen goes, No way, it cant be done.

So the Pope headbutts her.

Whats grosser than gross?