Old and New Jokes

Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to say ME TOO!, and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes!

What is it when a blonde blows into anotherblondes ear?
Data transfer.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
I wonder if its mine?

How do you confuse a blonde?
Give her a package of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.

Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
She couldnt learn the route.

Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
Her turn signal was stuck.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the squirrel it CAN be done!

A True Story by W. Bruce Cameron

I had to take my sons hamster to the vet. Heres what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me.

Oldest trick in the book, I informed him. You go in to see whats wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape.

Im serious, Dad. Can you help?

I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do.

Honey, I called, come look at the hamster!

Oh, my gosh, my wife diagnosed after a minute. Shes having babies.

What? my son demanded. But their names are Bert and Ernie!

I was equally outraged. Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce, I accused my wife.

Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage? she inquired sarcastically.

No, but you were supposed to get two boys! I reminded her.

Yeah, Bert and Ernie! my son agreed.

Well, it was a little hard to tell, she informed me.

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. Were about to witness the miracle of birth.

Gross! they shrieked.

Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies? my wife wanted to know.

Well, when my parents dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away, I recalled.

So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster? she asked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. We dont appear to be making much progress, I noted.

A breech birth, my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad! my son urged.

Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

Should I dial 911? my daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through it.

Lets get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.

I dont think hamsters do Lamaze, I told him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, an epidural? I suggested scientifically.

Oh, very interesting, he murmured. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. Is Ernie going to be okay? my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us. This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isnt EVER going to happen … Ernie is a boy.

What!?

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah… He blushed, glancing at my wife.

Well, you know what Im saying, Mr. Cameron.

We were silent, absorbing this. So Ernies just … just …

Excited? my wife offered.

Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. Whats so funny? I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. Just … that … Im picturing you pulling on its … its … she gasped.

Thats enough, I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernies really thankful for what youve done, Dad, he told me.

Oh, you have no idea, my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

[The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter ]
[Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998 ]
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An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, Honey, you know were not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.



That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the mans old pickup and headed out.



When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.



When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.



A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the Up arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde youve ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.



The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, Son, go git yer Ma.

11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!

12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…theres only a *little* bit of mud on them…).

13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).

14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).

15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.

17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone elses notes.

18. You begin to nap again (also not new).

19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

20. Isnt it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.

According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
the building of homes and let the little people pay less than the
going rate for rent.

Since we have only one little person living here it turns out that he
wont have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy
covers everything.

We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.