Old and New Jokes

I dont have a dirty mind. (I wash it every day…)

Q: How do you define confusion??

A: A blind lesbian in a fish market!

A Finn and a Swede were having an argument on whos mother tongue was the more beautiful of the two.

As they were unable to reach an agreement, they decided to ask an English linguist to act as a neutral expert judge on the matter.

The renown researcher asked both parties to translate the following verse by Percy Shelley to their respective languages:

Island, island,

Grassy island,

Grassy islands bride.

The Finn answered first. His translation was:

Saari, saari,

Heinäsaari,

Heinäsaaren morsian.

Then came the Swede:

Ö, ö,

Hö ö,

Hö ös mö.

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! You bloody fool! he cried, You have ruined me!

The actor was bewildered, What happened? Did I forget my line? He asked.

No! the director screamed, You forgot the bloody rose!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was teh strongest man around that they offered a standing bet for $1000.00

The bartender would sqeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, long-shoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said, in a tiny squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon , and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered the bartender paid the man the $1000, and asked the little man, What do you do for a living? Are you a lumber Jack, Weight Lifter, what?

The man replied Im an IRS Agent

My appetite is
my shepherd, I always want.

It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.

It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,

Sometimes during the night.

It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.

It destroyeth my shape.

Yea, though I knoweth I gain I will not stop eating,

For the food tasteth so good.

The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.

When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.

For I knoweth that I soon shall dig in.

As I filleth my plate continuously,

My clothes runneth smaller.

Surely bulges and flabbiness shall follow me

All the days of my life.

And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

Lets eat!

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

El padre de la iglesia se acerca a una de las feligresas más buenas:

Oye, hija, comprenderás que uno es hombre y tiene necesidades, y yo quisiera ver si pudiera haber alguna posibilidad contigo.

¡Pero, padre, estoy casada!

No hay problema, dile a tu marido que vienes a misa de gallo.

Está bien, vengo a las doce de la noche.

Dan las doce y la mujer está a punto de salir de su casa, después de una ardua pelea con el marido, pero éste no le cree y va con ella a misa. Llegan y como la misa no comienza, el marido solicita:

No hay ninguna misa, vámonos ya.

Espera, ya va a empezar.

En eso, se escucha una voz:

¡Dejen de hacer el amor!

¿Oíste eso, vieja?

Y se sigue escuchando la voz.

Voy a subir a ver qué pasa o quién grita, dice el esposo.

Cuando el hombre sube, el cura sale y lo hace con la señora. Baja el marido y le comenta a su esposa:

¡Mi vida, no me lo vas a creer, pero desde allá arriba se ve, claritito, a una pareja haciendo el amor!

Una mujer aborda un elevador de un hospital y se encuentra a un vecino:

Hola, qué tal, ¿a que piso va?

Al segundo piso, a donar sangre; me dan $75 por donación, indica la chica.

Yo voy al cuarto piso, soy donante de esperma y me dan $500 por donación.

Dos semanas después se vuelven a encontrar en el mismo elevador. El vecino la saluda y le pregunta que si va al segundo piso y ella, apenada y con la boca llena de algo, le señala con los dedos que va al cuarto piso.

Two [ethnics], Tom and Jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two
fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the [ethnics] asked where the
guys got the fish, and the fishermen told the [ethnics] that they go down to the
bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was
caught.

The [ethnics] figured that they could to that.

After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything,
and the reply was no. About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and
again the reply was no. Finally, Tom yelled Pull me up!! Pull me up!!
Jack exclaimed Ya got one? Tom said, No! a train is coming!