Old and New Jokes

A delegation from the USA came to Norway, and after the grand reception and everything, asked to be taken to the monument of the unknown soldier.

The hosts became very confused, and didnt know what to do – they had no such thing – they feared a diplomatic incident!

Suddenly – one of the hosts said – follow me! So – desperate as they were – they did – they followed him. Suddenly – they came to a hill, on top of which there was a statue of Sibelius.

Puzzled, everyone asked him what was that supposed to be! and so he explained: Sibelius was very very famous as a composer, but as a soldier – he was completely unknown!

Before anybody decides to correct me if i m wrong – DONT CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS!

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
nuts
1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey

Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isnt it? Now start baking.
Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
Cry another cup.
Open second bottle if necessary.
Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesnt matter.
Sample scotch again.
Sift half cup of lemon juice.
Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babble of brown thugar, or whatever you can see and mix well.
Grease oven and turn cake pan to 180C.
Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.
Check scotch again and go to bed.

Courtesy of Social Spots Magazine from the Dalmation fanciers in the ACT.

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal whos been mugged.

Esto es un tío con joroba que va paseando por el campo cuando suena un estampido, y aparece ante él Lucifer, quien le pregunta:

¡Tú! ¿Qué llevas en la espalda?

Yo-yo… U-una joroba.

¡PUES YA NO LA TIENES!

Y con un movimiento de manos, la joroba desaparece, dejando al tío sano como una pera. Total, que el ex-jorobado se queda muy contento, y piensa en ir a hablar con un amigo suyo que es cojo, a ver si a él le pasa lo mismo.

Oye macho, como te digo, que ha hecho flis-flas, y me ha quitado la joroba!

Bueno, pues voy a ir yo, a ver si me quita la cojera, que me tiene jodío.

En esto que va el cojo por el mismo lugar, junto al cementerio, cuando de nuevo se oye el estampido, aparece Lucifer, y le dice:

¡TÚ! ¿QUE LLEVAS EN LA ESPALDA?

¿Yo… en la espalda?… Nada…

¡PUES TOMA UNA JOROBA!

Un anciano, recién casado con una muchacha de veinte años le explica su problema al doctor:

Mire doctor, todas las noches, cuando vamos a la cama, yo estoy tan cansado que me duermo temprano.

¡No se preocupe! yo le prescribo estas pastillas…

Doctor… usted cree que con estas pastillas podré…

¡Nooo! pero con ellas, su esposa también se dormirá temprano como usted.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a five day drunk?

I freed who?

The odds are a million to one

against my being one in a million.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

A sour grape!