Old and New Jokes

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.


Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, Im not a John Kerry fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a John Kerry fan?

Johnny says, Im a George Bush fan.

The teacher asks why hes a George Bush fan.

The boy says, Well, my moms a George Bush fan and my dads a George Bush fan, so Im a George Bush fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Johnny says, That would make me a John Kerry fan.

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign
exchange
to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick
calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical service
smile and Have a nice day!

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad
of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for
his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??

Whereupon the cashier replied Fluctuations!
He screamed back FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!
Im going back to Delhi!!!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

Im afraid I dont have a husband she replies. O.K. do you have a boyfriend? asks the Midwife. No, no boyfriend either.

Do you have a partner then? No, Im unattached, Ill be having my baby on my own.

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black

Well, replies the girl. I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.

Oh, Im very sorry, says the midwife, thats really none of my business and Im sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.

Well yes, the girl again replies, you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?

Oh, Im sorry, the midwife repeats, thats really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.

Well yes, continues the girl, I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, Thank God for that! What do you mean? says the midwife, shocked.

WHEW! says the girl extremely relieved… I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!

Moshe wakes up one morning and says to his wife, Sadie:

Aaarrrggghhh, Sadie! Ive got a terrible pain on the left side of my body….aaarrrggghhh….I think I must have appendicitis!

Sadie sighs and says, Dont be silly Moshe. Youre appendix is on the right side of your body!

At which Moshe replies, Well thats the problem! My appendix is on the wrong side!

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?

A. Michael Fits Patrick and Patrick Fits Michael.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with Didja ever wonder why…. Be creative.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious.
The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket. So.. he decided to go down & get some.

So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman got up and said What was THAT? And the invisible man said I dont know… but my butt sure hurts.

Yes, its hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie turned 40, just in time to greet the new century. And theyve been 40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.

In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, shes perfectly turned out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. Shes Everywoman, shes the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?

Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:

Bifocals Barbie:

Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie:

Press Barbies bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie:

As Barbies hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Cooks Arms Barbie:

Hide Barbies droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie:

Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbies dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie:

Erase those pesky crows-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbies own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom