Because Im a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because Im a man, when the car isnt running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Im looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.
Because Im a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick
as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.
Because Im a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
Because Im a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive
by holding a calculator).
Because Im a man, I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger — I mean, how could he know where were going?
Because Im a man, there is no need to ask me what Im thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so dont.
Because Im a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mothers day
is okay, I dont need to see it. And dont forget to pick up
something for my Mom, too!
Because Im a man, you dont have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if youre crying at the end of it, I didnt like it.
Because Im a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.
Because Im a man, I think what youre wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because Im a man, and this is, after all, the 2000s, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. Ill do the rest.
This has been a public service message for women, to better understand
the Male animal.