Old and New Jokes

Warning: Theres a new virus on the loose thats worse than anything Ive seen before!

It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier.

It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction ones disks spin.

Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And thats just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Win95, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, VHS, and BetaMax systems.

To prevent the spread of the worm:

Dont use the powerline.
Dont use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)
Dont upload or download files.
Dont store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
Dont read messages. Not even this one!
Dont use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
Dont use keyboards, screens, or printers.
Dont use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.
Dont use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.

Im sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired. Heres your kit; go sell!

The second came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired! Heres your kit; go sell!

The third came in and said, I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi – Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!

No, shouted the man, this will never work! You cant sell Bibles for me! The applicant replied, B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!

As there were no other applicants, he man said, OK, Ill give you one shot at this, but I expect you to produce results, or youre fired!

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, I sold 8 Bibles today. The second reports: I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles! Great, says the man. However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, Today, I sold 32 Bibles. The second worker reports, I sold 44 Bibles today The third worker reports, To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.

Fantastic, said the man, since youre doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why dont you tell them what your sales technique is. Replied the worker, I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to *READ* it to th- th- them?

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. Show the lady your
finest mink! the fellow exclaims.

The owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous
full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and
discreetly whispers, Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

No problem! Ill write you a check!

Very good, sir, says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on
Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner
is outraged, How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny
in your checking account!

I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.

A private came charging into his Lieutenants office and said Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?

I dont have time to deal with this right now the lieutenant thought.

He grabbed a broom and handed it to the solder. Here us this instead.

How is this going to work?

When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say Bangity Bang Bang.

So the private ran out with his new rifle. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying Lieutenant, I cant find my bayonet!

The Lieutenant grabbed a pencil off his desk and gave it the private. When you see the bad guys coming just hold this up and say Stabity Stab Stab.

So the private was all ready for his war games. He was sitting in his fox hole minding his own business when suddenly the entire opposing force came over the hill marching right on his position. Every one near him ran away in fear, but the private was ready.

He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guys and said Bangity Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang and half of them fell down.

Wow this really works thought the private. Let me try my bayonet. So he held up his pencil and said Stabity Stab Stab Stabity Stab Stab and the rest of the bad guys fell down except for one very bug guy who just kept right on come. He walked right over the top of the private and just stomped him into the ground.

The private was laying in a heap on the ground and he asked himself what went wrong. I used the broom and said Bangity Bang Bang and half of the men fell down. Then I used my pencil and said Stabity Stab Stab and the rest of the men fell down except for this one big guy. What did I do wrong?

Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he walked past him Tankity Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank.

Aplicando los avances de la tecnología, los científicos estadounidenses habían inventado una máquina que atrapaba ladrones. Luego de ciertas pruebas, los gringos deciden comprobar en distintos países la eficacia de la máquina y la mandan por primera vez a Chile. En menos de 10 minutos la máquina había atrapado 500 ladrones.

Muy a gusto, los yanquis la envían a Uruguay; en menos de 15 minutos la máquina había atrapado 1000 ladrones.

Completamente seguros de su eficacia, la envían al mercado central de Argentina… La desgracia fue que no habían pasado ni cinco segundos cuando ya se habían robado la máquina.

Whatever misfortune may be your lot,
it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

-National Lampoons Deteriorota

Old PhrasePreferred New Phrase
No fucking way.Im certain thats not feasible.
Youve got to be shitting me.Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck.Perhaps you should check with…
Its not my fucking problem.I wasnt involved in that project.
What the fuck?Interesting.
Fuck it, it wont work.Im not sure how I can implement this.
Why the fuck didnt you say that before?Ill try to schedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares?Im not sure this is a problem.
Eat shit!You dont say.
Eat shit and die!Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker!Excuse me Sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life?They werent happy with it?
Kiss my ass!So youd like my help with it?
Fuck it, Im on salary.I dont think you understand.
Shove it up your ass.I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you the boss?You want me to take care of this?
I really dont give a shit.I dont think that will be a problem.
Hes a fucking prick.Hes a little insensitive.
Shes a ball breaking bitch.Shes an aggressive go getter.
You dont know what the fuck youre doing!I think you could use more training.
This place is all fucked up.Were a little disorganised.

I usually dont tell Irish jokes, but since Im Irish I think I am entitled to tell this one:

Anyway Paddy walks into this bar and spots this very attractive girl sitting alone, he tells the barman to send her over a drink.

The barman replies Forget it, your wasting your time, shes a lesbian.

I dont care Paddy replies, Send her over a drink.

Later on he buys her another drink and makes his way towards her. Hi ya doin? Im Paddy and Im pleased to meet you!

The lady replies, Shove off Paddy! Im not interested. Im a lesbian!

But I dont care paddy replies.

Look, the lady says to Paddy, Do you see that tall blonde with the round breasts, and the big red lips down the bar?

Yes Paddy replies.

Well the lady says, I would like to go down to her and give her a big kiss on them big red lips.

To which Paddy replies, WELL I MUST BE A LESBIAN TOO

Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.

You watch The Dukes Of Hazzard and have to find someone to explain it to you.

Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say youve met your future wife.

Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?…