Old and New Jokes

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim.

The phone-in competition was to give an English word thats not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.

The show went as follows (dont forget the Aussie accent):

Jim: Hi, this is Jim. Whats your name and whats your word

Caller: This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n.

Jim: Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.

Bob from the bush: Gaan f*** yourself!

Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.

Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later…

Jim: Hi, this is Jim at QFM. Whats your name and whats your word.

Caller: This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e.

Jim: Thanks Steve, were just checking… and… yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.

Steve: Smee again, gaan f*** yourself!

A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

Are you all right?

he asks.

Youre just a blur, she says, So my sight is clearly affected.

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.

How many fingers have I got up?

he asks her.

Oh shit! she replies, I must be paralysed from the waist down as well.

A las mujeres con 8 años, las metes en la cama y les cuentas un cuento.

Con 18, les cuentas un cuento y las metes en la cama.

Con 28 son un cuento en la cama.

Y con 38 te dicen: déjate de cuentos y vamos a la cama.

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.

Clinton was so thankful that he told each of them, Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it.



The first boy says, I want to go to Disneyland! Ill take you there myself in Air Force One! exclaims Bill.



The second boy says, I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordans. Ill buy them for you myself, says Bill.



And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers the third boy says.



The president looks at the boy and says, But, son, you dont look like you are handicapped to me.



The boy replies, Im going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

What do you call a car full of black people?

Cheap Tinted Windows

Whats it called when a blonde dyes her hair? Artificial intelligence!

What does a blonde call oral sex in a Honda Civic?

Her Civic Duty

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

Only in America…do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood-sucking creatures…