Un hombre entra en un local de tatuajes y solicita que le tatúen un billete de $100 en el pene. El artista de tatuaje se rÃe y le ofrece:
Te lo hago gratis, si me puedes dar una buena razón para lo que pides.
El tipo piensa por un segundo y aclara:
Primero, me gusta guardar mi dinero dentro de mis pantalones; segundo, me gusta ver cómo crece mi dinero y tercero, quiero ver que tan rápido se puede gastar mi esposa un billete de $100.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked How did you do it?
Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!
Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation…
What Exactly Is Marriage??
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and dont have to give
her back to her parents
-Eric, AGE 6
When somebodys been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, Ill take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me. Then she says yes, but shes wondering
what the thing is and whether its naughty or not. She cant wait to
find out.
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one.
-Kelly, AGE 9
My mother says to look for a man who is kind….Thats what Ill
do….Ill find somebody whos kinda tall and handsome.
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Eighty-four Because at that age, you dont have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a wife
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
They were at a dance party at a friends house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it
gave them a chance to find out about their values.
-Lottie, AGE 9
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They wont
tell me what kind.
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date??
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, AGE 10
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love.
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to have videos of the
wedding.
-Allan, AGE 10
Never kiss in front of other people. Its a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.
-Kally, AGE 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan
-Kirsten, AGE 10
Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them
-Anita, AGE 9
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. Im just a kid. I
dont need that kind of trouble.
-Will, AGE 7
If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
Its Morris! And hes again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.
However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again… Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. Ive been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once.
Youre a great lover, Morris!
Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says…
WHAT?…You mean I was here already?!
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In three words I can sum up everything Ive learned about life. IT GOES ON.
Accept than some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.
There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again.
If you cant be the tablecloth, dont be the dishrag.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.
I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? … How would you know?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves.
Im not just a gardener, Im a Plant Manager.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.
Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a No Fear T-shirt. –Lev L. Spiro
Theres no real need to do housework — after four years it doesnt get any worse.
Everybody is somebody elses weirdo. –Dykstra
O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, Cause what can an antelope say?
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Youll never be the man your mother was!
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Dont hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure theyre going to have some pretty annoying virtues. –Elizabeth Taylor
Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. –Time Bandits
Good news is just lifes way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Dont cook tonight — starve a rat today!
Grelbs Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
Received from Jerard Muszik & Keith Sullivan.
A guy walks into a bar. Hes a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a
beer and says, All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone
got a problem with that? Everyone is understandable silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, All the guys on the other side of the
bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that? Everyone is silent,
again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
You got a problem, buddy?
No, Im just on the wrong side of the bar.
And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the
Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that
we prefer if you would use the back entrance.