Old and New Jokes

Marriage Warnings
Finally, here is some warning given out in good faith!

Shaadi ke pehle – Agar Tum Na Hote:(

Shaadi ke baad – Agar Tum Na Hote:)

Shaadi ke pehle – Maine Pyar Kiya

Shaadi ke baad – Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

Shaadi ke baad – Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle – Dil To Pagal Hai

Shaadi ke baad – Dil To Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle – Ek Duje Ke Liye

Shaadi ke baad – Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle – Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge

Shaadi ke baad – Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle – Chandramukhi

Shaadi ke baad – Jwaalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle – Kuwara Baap

Shaadi ke baad – Bechara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle – Titanic

Shaadi ke baad – Mortgage

Shaadi ke pehle – Hum Aapke Hai Koun?

Shaadi ke baad – Barbadi Ka Kaaran

Shaadi ke pehle – Yes Boss:)

Shaadi ke baad – Yes Boss:(

Shaadi ke pehle – Mere Sapno Ki Rani

Shaadi ke baad – Chutki Ki Amma

Shaadi ke pehle – Kabhi Kabhi

Shaadi ke baad – If you are lucky

Shaadi ke pehle – Aao Pyar Karen

Shaadi ke baad – Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

Shaadi ke pehle – Hum Apke Hain

Shaadi he baad – Hum Apke Hai Koun?

Después de la guerra, el sargento le ordena a su batallón que recojan todos los cadáveres del ejército de Tontilandia. A los dos días, llega el cabo:

Señor, ya hemos terminado con la recolección.

Muy bien, cabo, ahora, proceda a enterrarlos.

A los tres días, llega el cabo:

Ya he terminado, señor.

Muy bien, vayamos a ver.

Cuando llegan al cementerio, el sargento ve que todos los cuerpos están enterrados de pie y con la cabeza afuera de la tierra. El sargento le pregunta qué demonios hizo, a lo que el cabo contesta:

Bueno, los enterré así para no confundirnos con las lápidas…

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife,
We really have a wonderful system at the Fire Dept.
Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats.
Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings, and we are all on the truck ready to go.
From now on we are going to run this house the same.
When I say: Bell 1, you strip naked.
Bell 2, you jump into bed.
Bell 3, we are going to make love all night
The next night when he came home from work and yelled:
Bell 1! She took off all her clothes.
Bell 2! She jumped into bed.
Bell 3! They began making love.
After a few minutes she yelled Bell 4.
He said What the hell is Bell 4?
More hose she responded, You aint nowhere near the fire.

You know youre unloved if …

• when you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts

• as a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away

• you find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side

• your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck

• your folks threw a going-into-the-Army party when you were 3

• you run away, and the family cant give the Police a description

• you were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet at Church

• kidnappers send back your ear & your parents demand more proof

• you play hide & seek with Mom and she hides in another town

• your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle

• you had to share your sandbox with the cat

• you always got your allowance in Travelers Checks

• you join the marching band in school and they give you a piano

• you take a girl to the Tunnel of Love & she makes you swim

• you were the only candidate for Class President & came in fifth

• the only thing your girl wants out of your relationship is her

• your kids file a paternity suit against you

• the surgeon operating on you says, Ill take all calls.

When God created Adam, he asked him for the perfect companion: Somebody intelligent, nice, sexy, funny … etc.

Of course I can do it God replies, but it will cost you one leg and one arm.

Hmmm … And what can I get for one rib?

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called Sallys Legs. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, What are you doing? The guy replies, Im waiting for Sallys Legs to open so I can get a drink.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesnt mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. ~ You wont get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. ~ Coffee never runs out. ~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. ~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. ~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. ~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. ~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less. ~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents. ~ Coffee doesnt complain when you put whipped cream on it. ~ You can always heat up coffee. ~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. ~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesnt put on weight. ~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she cant find her pencil.

What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the left costs $500.

Why does the parrot cost so much?

asks the customer. The owner says Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, What can it do?

To which the owner replies, To be honest, Ive never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.