Old and New Jokes

Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Youre able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach in knots. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now
if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. Youve had
4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke — yet you havent peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You cant speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide
the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the
ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even
your hair hurts.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
aftertaste out. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You dont have the
foggiest idea who the stranger is who was passed out in your
bed this morning. Death sounds pretty good right about now.

Valles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft.

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, bouncing several times before coming to a stop, deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Forces explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the other-worldly nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmys statements as evidence of an obvious government cover-up, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

Se encontraban dos locos en un pasillo del manicomio, a media noche. La doctora de turno los sorprendió cuando uno se encontraba en cuatro patas con el trasero pelado y el otro detrás alumbrándole el hoyo con una vela.

La doctora se asombrada pregunta: ¿Y qué hace usted con esa vela en el trasero de ese hombre?

Y el loco responde: Tranquila doctora, estamos averiguando de que color tiene los pedos…

Lo que despertó curiosidad en la doctora y ésta decide seguirles la corriente para ver hasta donde llegan, y le pregunta: ¿Y qué han averiguado hasta ahora?

Y el loco responde:

Pues nada, porque cada vez que se tira uno, me apaga la maldita vela este desgraciado.

A man walked in to his physicians office, and asked to be castrated.



I beg your pardon? the doctor asked, slightly aghast.





Ive thought about this for a long time, and Ive decided I want to go through with it. The man says calmly.





You want to be castrated. The doctor said, stil not quite understanding.





Yes. Thats right. I want to be castrated.





The doctor tried to talk his patient out of the decision, but the man was adamant. He was unwaivering in his desire to be castrated. The doctor, seeing the man was resolute, sighed and put him in touch with a good plastic surgeon.





The surgeon was equally aghast, but after having the man sign a multitude of forms, agreed to perform the procedure.





The day of surgery arrived, and the man was in very good spirits. He was clearly looking forward to being castrated. Everyone was completely puzzled but as this clearly was what he wanted, they all shook their heads and went about the procedure as expertly as they could.





Afterward, the man was taken to recovery. The surgeon came to see him.





Well, everything went fine. There were no complications. However, I must say Ive never seen such a foreskin before. Im surprised you were never circumsized.





The man snapped his fingers. THATS the word!

On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, Since were married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I dont want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.

The groom replied, OK, honey cup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink…If I have only one drink, that means I dont want sex.

If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two…your hair wont matter!

what kind of sand can you eat?

What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?

What did you name the other one!!