…and realizes its actually a chocolate bar and eats it all.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its O.K., He replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: The hat check girl puts out!

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

A dime bag of Panama Red

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the forth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the eight day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Eight healthy roaches

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the ninth day, everybody ODd and they were all rushed to St. John General Hospital where they were given nine wiffs of nitro, and nine bottles of Valium. Then everybody ODs on Valium and they all die horribly…

Q: Whats the difference between a girl and a toilet?

A: A toilet doesnt want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning theyre all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!

The second goes, Shit thats nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!

The third guy says, Thats nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance wont cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.

The first guy leans back in and whispers, I dont think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh


Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, Mr. Ford,


announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three.

We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept


his interest piqued. We would like to demonstrate it to you in person.

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to


enter a black automobile parked in front of the building.


Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. Please step inside, Mr. Ford. What! shouted the tycoon, Are you crazy?


It must be two hundred degrees in that car! It is, smiled the youngest


brother, Max, but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button.

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air


started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the


automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

This is amazing! exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the patent?


Norman spoke up, The price is one million dollars.

Then he paused. And there is something else. The name Cohen Brothers Air- conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!

Money is no problem, retorted Ford, but no way will I have a Jewish name


next to my logo on my cars!

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five


million dollars, but the Cohens last name would be left off.


However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned


upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see


those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:


NORM HI and MAX

One day the Pope is coming to America in his
Limo and he said to the driver, Why dont you
let me drive for once.
The driver thinks to him self, Well I cant say
no to this guy, hes the pope. So the driver
pulls over and they change places. The Pope was
having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging
cars. After a while the driver taps on the window
and tells the Pope, slow down a bit, you might
get pulled over.
The Pope says, ahhh, dont worry about it, Im
the Pope. So he rolls up the window and
continues to drive very fast. After a few moments
he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and
the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop
sees the Pope and says, oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can
you hold on a minute.
The Pope says, sure
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to
the station. He says, guys I just pulled over
some one really important.
They ask who, The President?.
No more important.
The president of another country.
No more important.
An ambassador.
No even more important.
Well who is it.
I dont know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.

A man was travelling for the first time in a train.

T.T.: Show me your Ticket!

Passenger: I dont have one!

T.T.: Where do you want to go?

Passenger: Where the lord RAM was born

T.T.: Come with me,I will take you where the lord KRISHNA was born-Jail!

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms, randomly put them in peoples trolleys when they arent looking.2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.3. Move a CAUTION – WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.4. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers Ill only invite you in if you bring pillows from the bedding department!.5. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why cant you people just leave me alone?.6. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.7. While handling knives in the housewares department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.8. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.9. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say Pick me! Pick me!10. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker assume the fetal position and scream NO! NO! Its those voices again.11. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly Hey! Were out of toilet paper in here!.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.