Celebrating
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. What can I get you? the bartender inquired.
I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, responded the young man.
6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?
Yeah, my first blowjob, the man answered.
Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.
No offense, sir. But if 6 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.
23
May
23
May
Q: Why Do Bulldogs Have Flat Faces?
A: Because The Keep On Chasing PARKED CARS!!
23
May
Q: How do you make a proud black woman pick cotton?
A: Light the string on her tampon on fire.
23
May
Found Parable by J.D. McClatchy (published in the 15 November 1993 issue of the New Yorker, p. 72)
In the mens room at the office today
some wag has labelled the two stalls
the Erotic and the Political.
The second seems suitable for the results
of my business, not for what thinking
ordinarily accompanies it.
So Ive locked myself into the first because,
though farther from the light bulb overhead,
it remains the more conventional
and thereby illuminating choice.
The on its walls is more desperate.
As if I had written them
there myself, but only because by now
I have seen them day after day,
I know each boast, each plea,
the runty widowers resentments,
the phone number for good head.
Todays fresh drawing:
a womans torso, neck to outflung knees,
with breasts like targets and at her crotch
red felt-tip hair to guard
a treasure half would, half wisecrack.
The first critic of desire is always
the self-possessed sensualist.
With all that wall as his margin,
he had sniffed in smug ballpoint
OBVIOUSLY DONE BY SOMEONE
WHO HAS NEVER SEEN THE REAL THING.
Under that, in a later hand,
the local pinstripe aesthete
had dismissed the daydreamers crudity
and its critics edgy literalism.
His block letters had squared,
not sloping, shoulders: NO,
BY SOMEONE WHO JUST CANT DRAW.
Were the two opinions
converging on the same moral point?
That a good drawing is the real thing?
Or that the real thing
can be truly seen only through anothers
eyes? But now that I trace it through
other jokes and members,
the bottom line leads to a higher inch
of free space on the partition-
a perch above the loose
remarks, like the pimps doorway
or the Zen masters cliff-face ledge.
THERE ARE NO REAL THINGS
writes the philosopher. But he, too,
has been misled by everything
the mind makes of a body.
When the torso is fleshed out
and turns over in the artists bed,
when the sensualist sobs over her,
when the critic buttons his pants,
when the philosophers scorn sinks back
from a gratified ecstasy,
then it will be clear to each
in his own way. There is nothing
we cannot possibly not know.
23
May
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one! Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!
23
May
[Ed: I swore no more of these, but this one is by an expert, it claims.]
I sent the Shit Happens in Various Religions to my friend John Stark,
who happens to have a PhD in Religious Studies. A week later he sent
me his revised version, which is pretty serious, but also pretty funny.
TAOISM: Shit Happens, so flow with it.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says, If shit has to happen, let it happen properly.
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isnt really happening to anyone.
HINDUISM: This shit happening is you.
PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, praise the Lord for it!
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
ISLAM: Shit happening is Allahs Will.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit happening is absurd!
ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?
23
May
25 rules for Women to follow:
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably dont want to know what were thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship.
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We dont know anything about handbags. Dont even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think hes cute, Kevin Costner cant act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie Sirens rather than Waterworld.
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you cant have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victorias Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
23
May
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing? She asked.
Hunting Flies He responded.
Oh!, Killed any? She asked.
Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell?
He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
23
May
This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?
She says, I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old. She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?
She says, Your name never came up!
22
May
Un matrimonio viaja por la ruta 2 respetando el lÃmite de 100 Km/h. El marido maneja; la esposa lo mira y dice:
Querido, yo sé que estuvimos casados durante 15 años, pero quiero el divorcio.
El esposo no dice nada, pero poco a poco sube la velocidad a 120 Km/h.
No quiero que trates de cuestionarme sobre esto, porque te estuve engañando con tu mejor amigo y él es mucho mejor en la cama que tú.
El hombre sigue sin pronunciar palabra, simplemente aceleraba a medida que su rabia crecÃa.
Quiero la casa.
El tipo simplemente acelera y ahora viajan a 150 Km/h.
También quiero a los niños.
Ya van a 170 Km/h.
Quiero el auto, las cuentas bancarias y todas las tarjetas de crédito.
Cuando van a 190 Km/h, lentamente el marido comienza a desviar el auto hacia la columna de un puente.
¿Hay algo que tú quieras?
No, tengo todo lo que necesito.
Ah, sÃ, ¿qué es?
Justo antes de chocar a 200 Km/h, el esposo responde:
Yo tengo el airbag.