Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
Oh, its not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. Thats disgusting!
21
May
21
May
I heard this on the radio yesterday morning…
The democrats, desperate for a candidate, have decided that
Senator Kennedy has the nomination in his pocket…
…Now if he could only find his pants.
21
May
Forwarded to me through a long chain of email addresses.
This came from a bookmark distributed by De Anza College.
How To Stay Stressed
—————
Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress
management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of
students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to
the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following
provides you with a few reasons why.
STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT. Anyone as stressed as you must be
working very hard and, therefore,
is probably doing something very
crucial.
IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL Anyone as busy as you are certainly
DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY. cant be expected to form emotional
attachments to anyone. And lets
face it, youre not much fun to be
around anyway.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously youre too stressed to be
given any more work. This gets you
off the hook for all the mundane
chores; let someone else take care
of them.
IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH. Stress might be considered a cheap
thrill, and you can give yourself a
hit anytime you choose. But be
careful, you might get addicted to
your own adrenaline.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS. Why risk being successful when by
simply staying stressed you can
avoid all of that? Stress can keep
your performance level low enough
that success wont ever be a threat.
STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR The authoritarian style of Just do
AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE. what I say! is generally permissi-
ble under crisis conditions. If
you maintain a permanently stressed
crisis atmosphere, you can justify
an authoritarian style all the time.
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? Youll have no trouble
if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that
could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke cant
cleanse your system, a balanced
diet isnt likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25
pounds over your recommended
weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine,
nicotine, sugar, and cola will
continue to do the job just fine.
AVOID WOO-WOO PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence suggesting
that meditation, yoga, deep
breathing, and/or mental imaging
help to reduce stress. The
Protestant work ethic is good for
everyone, Protestant or not.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL Let the few friends who are
SUPPORT SYSTEM. willing to tolerate you know that
concern yourself with friendships
only if you have time, and you
never have time. If a few people
persist in trying to be your
friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect
of your work, family, dog, house,
or car is mounting a personal
attack. Dont take time to
listen, be offended, then return
the attack!
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing
matter, and it shouldnt be
treated as one.
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE – BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if
you want it done right, do it
yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else,
and be sure to take work home
evenings and weekends. Keep
reminding yourself that vacations
are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
day than you can possibly get done
and then worry about it all
whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last
second always produces a marvelous
amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CANT Worry about the stock market,
CONTROL. earthquakes, the approching Ice
Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT …and either beat yourself up, or
SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS… feel guilty, depressed, discour-
aged, and/or inadequate when you
dont meet them.
21
May
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
20
May
Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)
20
May
Here is a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but it may be interesting deciding what you would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. Lets say youre a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would you use?
20
May
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
– Rocky, age 9
Sleep in your clothes so youll be dressed in the morning.
– Stephanie, age 8
Dont flush the john when your dads in the shower.
– Lamar, age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.
– Carrol, age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
– Nicholas, age 11
Dont ever be too full for dessert.
– Kelly, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? dont answer him.
– Heather, age 16
Never tell your mom her diets not working.
– Michael, age 14
Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat.
– Joel, age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when shes on the phone.
– Alyesha, age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
– Laura, age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
– Scott, age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
– Sam, age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like its moving.
– Rob, age 10
Never tell your little brother that youre not going to do what your mom told you to do.
– Hank, age 12
Remember youre never too old to hold your fathers hand.
– Molly, age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
– Chelsey, age 7
Stay away from prunes.
– Randy, age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
– Phillip, age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
– Cynthia, age 8
Remember the two places you are always welcome – church and Grandmas house.
– Joanne, age 11
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
– Matthew, age 12
20
May
Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
20
May
According to American Rifleman:
Romanian national shooting team members, including 1988 free
pistol gold medalist Sorin Babii, were cited for genuine
acts of heroism by the Romanian news agency. Although
reports were rather sketchy, it would seem the marksmen
applied their skills to wipe out a group of terrorists that
presumably were loyal to deposed dictator Nicolae Ceausescu.
To me, this would seem to make the marksmen professionals rather than
amateurs and thus disqualifies them from future Olympic competition.
20
May
Jill, a busy mother, was trying to pack for vacation. Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, Mom, look at this! and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, Jill reached out and stuck her daughters fingers in her mouth and said, Mommys gonna eat your fingers!
Pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again. When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a totally devastated look on her face. Jill said, Whats wrong, Honey?
The little girl said, Mommy, wheres my booger?
(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)