Old and New Jokes

They both excel at amphibious assaults.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner–Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother Potato? she said. I have an announcement to make.

And what might that be? said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes.

Well, replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, Im getting married!

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, Married! Thats wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?

Im marrying a Russet!

A Russet! replied Mother Potato with pride.

Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

As the family shared in the eldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. Mother? I, too, have an announcement.

And what might that be? encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, I, too, am getting married!

You, too! Mother Potato said with joy. Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?

Im marrying an Idaho! beamed the middle daughter.

An Idaho! said Mother Potato with joy. Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.

Yes? said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

Well, began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!

Really? said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?

Im marrying Peter Jennings!

Peter Jennings?! Mother Potato scowled suddenly. But hes just a common tater!

Hoy, cuando fui a almorzar, observé a una señora, como de unos 78 u 80 años, sentada en una banca del parque y llorando desconsoladamente. Me le acerqué y le pregunté qué le pasaba. Entre lágrimas y gemidos me contestó:

En casa tengo un marido de 22 años. Me hace el amor todas las mañanas. Se levanta y me prepara un desayuno con fruta fresca, pancakes, huevos fritos y café recién molido.

Un poco sorprendido, le dije: Bueno, ¿y entonces por qué está llorando?

Me hace sopa casera para el almuerzo y mis galletas favoritas. Después, me hace el amor a media tarde.

Ya verdaderamente extrañado, insisto: Eso está muy bien, pero ¿por qué está llorando?

Y para la cena me hace comidas de gourmet, con vino y todo y, encima, mi postre favorito. Y cuando terminamos de comer, me hace el amor hasta la madrugada. ¡Todas las noches!

Pero ¿qué tiene eso de malo, señora, por qué la hace llorar eso?

Y la señora, en llanto incontenible, me dice:

¡¡NO ME ACUERDO DÓNDE VIVO!!

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version



Twas the night before Christmas and Santas a wreck…

How to live in a world thats politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife,

Who suddenly said shed enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, hed neer had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing thats warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But youve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere…even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth…

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

Chipped dishes never break.

Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. – Sir John A. MacDonald, Canadas first prime minister

Sex is nobodys business except the three people involved.

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

To Whom It May Concern:

After nine weeks and many phone calls, I am writing this letter to discuss a few items that the underwriter has not yet brought up (but probably will).

I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. Neither my parents nor my grandparents were ever members of the Communist Party. I was born seven months after my parents were married. I hope this doesnt disqualify me for the mortgage, I will have my mother and father send a letter to you explaining how this happened if you feel it is necessary.

I am not a bed wetter or a homosexual.

I have no religious affiliation. If this is a problem, I will get a letter from a priest, minister, and rabbi stating they will let me join up if you feel it is necessary.

I want to apologize for having $36,000 in the bank account that I reported having $8,000. I guess if the underwriters find out that I have over $100,000 spread out in other banks and investments, I never will get the mortgage. I also want to apologize for only putting $55,000 down on a $115,000 house. Im really concerned because my wife and I are earning only $78,000 this year. If you decide this is not enough, I will be happy to take a part time job at night at Roy Rogers. I will have the manager at Roy Rogers send you a letter if you feel it is necessary.

I am a registered Republican. I know this may not sit well with the underwriters who are Democrats. My only defense for this is anytime you see a man driving a Jaguar, wearing $600 custom made suits, $165 Gucci loafers, $70 custom made shirts, wearing a $2000 diamond pinkie ring, a $750 Cartier watch, carrying a $265 cigarette case and a $400 attache case he is either a Republican or a dope dealer. I am not a dope dealer and will send you a letter stating so if you feel it is necessary.

There are three things that concern me:

When you buy a mattress there is a label that says Do not remove under penalty of fine or imprisonment. Im sorry! It was a rash, impulsive thing for me to do. I was only a kid at the time. I promise I will never do it again.

In February of 1934 my grandmother missed a payment to Sears. She is dead, but I will have the undertaker send you a letter explaining why she cant send a letter explaining her delinquency if you feel it is necessary.

On April 14, 1968 I got a traffic ticket. I will certainly send a letter on this one. However, the real problem is that the police officer who issued the summons was divorced. I have requested that he send a copy of his divorce decree and separation agreement to you. I hope this will suffice.

In closing, let me thank you, the receptionist, the person who took my original application, the underwriting staff, your appraisal department, the manager of your branch, and the president of your company for granting me this loan. God willing, we will make it to the settlement table and we will realize the American Dream and live in our own home!