Old and New Jokes

A young boy was in math class, watching a movie about how when we studied math, it was like we were burning it for fuel. The next day the boy came in and sat down. The teacher asked Where is your math book? and the boy said The movie talked about burning math for fuel, and so I burned my math!

Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

1. Twice this week youve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
3. On her show, she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
4. That telltale lemon slice in the dogs water bowl.
5. You get a threatening note made up of letters out of a magazine with pinking shears, and theyre all the same size, the same font, and precisely
lined up in razor-sharp rows.
6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
7. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
8. No matter where you eat, your place setting
always includes an oyster fork.9. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
10. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I dont know where I am.The woman below replied, You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.You must be an engineer, said the balloonist.I am, replied the woman. How did you know? Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help so far.The woman below responded, You must be in management.I am, replied the balloonist, but how did you know?Well, said the woman, you dont know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its my fault!

Ginsberg meets his old friend Kaplan and says, Kaplan, how are you? I havent seen you in years. Kaplan replies, Truthfully, Ginsberg, things have not gone very well. I just underwent the sorrow of burying my wife. Ginsberg then exclaims, Wait a minute, Kaplan! I distinctly remember attending your wifes funeral ten years ago. In fact, thats the last time I saw you. Kaplan retorts, No, that funeral was for my first wife. Ginsberg then beems and with a hearty smile says, Wait a minute, I didnt know you had remarried. Mazel tov!!

A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and
cant see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall
man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man
thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks
where the man came from.

Here, says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, rub this.

So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.

What do you wish for? asks the genie.

A million bucks, the man states, quite sure of himself.

Granted. And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the
lamp.

The man looks around, checks his wallet but cant find a million bucks
anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar.
Astounded the man says: Hey! I didnt ask for a million ducks!

Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist? replied the bartender.

Its common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuits for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.

The repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscribers house. The phone didnt ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, the repair man found:

A dog was tied to the telephone systems ground post via an iron chain and collar.
The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.
The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

I was watching a show on anthropology a while ago which stated that human males have the largest penis of all of the primates.
I remember thinking, Aha! That explains why we learned to walk upright: Just showing off.

The best of old postings from RHF are now also available in the new group rec.humor.funny.reruns.

The archives are also at http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/

Two men were examinig the output of the new computer in their department.

Eventually one of them remarked: Do you realize it would take 400 men 250 years to make a mistake this big?