Old and New Jokes

Well their are three guyz on a bridge fishing. they all think there dicks are bigger than each others so….. the one guy throws his dick over the bridge. and he says my almost reaches the water.the 2nd guy throws his dick over and says burrrr! the waters cold. the 3rd guy throws his over and says to the 2nd guy! and deep too!

Teacher:John how can you sleep in my class!



John:If you just shut up,maybe I can.

Obsolete Soon, Too

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?

A. A golden retreiver.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, Its the pharmacist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is till ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it.

The pharmacist continues, It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!

A couple was playing golf and the husband hit his ball through the window of an expensive house. They go in and find a man sitting in a chair. They quickly begin to apologize but he cuts them off.
He says There is no need to apologize. I am a genie and the ball you hit has freed me from my prison. For that I will grant you one wish.
The couple agrees to wish for 2 billion dollars.
The genie then says, Okay when you go home you will have the money, but ask you one favor, may I have sex with your wife it has been so long since I had sex.I
The couple agrees and the genie and the wife go upstairs. After 30 minutes they come down.
The genie asks, How old is your husband?
The woman replies, 42.
And he still believes in genies?

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you.
On the other hand, most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here
is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes
what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.
Assembler: A female track star who holds
all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is
not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but
needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like MOV, JUMP, INC. She
has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last
resort.
FORTRAN: Your grey-haired grandmother. People make
fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen,
you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime
she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine
libraries) that no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still
around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start
yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made
grandad search for another wife.
COBOL: A plump secretary. She talks far too much,
and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours,
but cant handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and
unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can
cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
BASIC: The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her
specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily
available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least
they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that
young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always
remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but
largely irrelevant, its the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion
that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers
actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally
the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men
by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
PL/I: A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses,
diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very
attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
C: A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy,
and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless
you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her
fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young
and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine
young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60: Your fathers wartime sweetheart, petite,
well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously
during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their
steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking.
Pascal: A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60s
younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very
bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than
one pot (module).
Modula II: A high-school teacher and Pascals
daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook
with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68: Algol 60s niece. A high-society woman,
well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she
talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality.
She is very choosy about her romances and wont take just any man as her
lover. She hasnt been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a
fall from an ivory tower.
LISP: She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural
commune with her hippie cousins
SMALLTALK and FORTH: Many men
(mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically
praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there.
Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures
(prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs,
when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but
usually not for their efficiency.
APL: A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She
can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of
people at each table. She doesnt talk much, as that would just slow her
work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a
foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO: A grade-school art teacher. She is just the
kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is
shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can
cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.
LUCID and PROLOG: These clever
teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals
without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the
desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and
have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very
slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long
as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be
like when they are fully mature.
Ada: A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is
always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her
temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and
using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army
says so.

At U. of Michigan, we used to tell this one about Michigan State, however, any despised college will do.

Bubba, the most popular football player at Michigan State had completed his eligibility, and was set to graduate. The problem was, he had never attended a course, or learned anything. The Dean and football coach wanted to graduate him, however, to stave off student revolt.

Still, they had to have him demonstrate some sort of competence. So, at the graduation ceremony, when Bubbas name was called, he went up to the front.

Bubba, if you can pass this test, you graduate, said the Dean. What is two plus two?

Bubba, thought for awhile, counted on his fingers, and with a puzzled, yet hopeful voice, said, Duh, four?

A cry went up in unison from the student body, seated in their caps and gowns: Aw, give him another chance!

I believe I read this one in a new book by Larry King, Tell Me More.
I think it came from a fairly old comedian.

A man walks along, and sees an old man sitting on a park bench.
The old man is perhaps eighty, and is crying his eyes out.

The first man approaches the elderly one and asks Whats wrong?

The elderly fellow replies. I just married a twenty-year old
girl, and…

The first man prods him: And? Do you have troubles with…

Oh, no, no. I have incredible stamina for a man my age, and we
make love twenty-three times a day.

The first man, obviously surprised, asks So whats wrong?

I forgot where I live! bawls the old man.