Old and New Jokes

Sign seen on the back of a truck:

Driver carries no money, his wife has it!

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye (work with me here). He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s ass was that eye staring right back at him.

You know, said the doctor, you really have to learn to trust me.

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later… And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.
Why? Dont ye believe me?

*My son is under a doctors care today and should
not take P.E. today. Please execute him.*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her shot.*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his
hip.*John has been absent because he had two teeth
taken out of his face.*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.*Megan could not come to school today because she
has been botheres by very close veins.*Chris will not be in school because he has an
acre in his side.*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
bust.*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his fathers
fault.*I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I dont know what size
she wear.*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off
the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.*Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We
have to attend her funeral.*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under
the doctor.*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she
had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset
stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fev

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vanessa!
Vanessa who?
Vanessa bus be along in a minute!

Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.

Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.

Wouldnt you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, You know how fast you were going BOY? Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, Thats speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!

The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, You dont even look like you have a job! Why Ive never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!

Bob said, Ive got a job! I have a good, well paying job!

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, What kind of a job would a bum like you have?

Im a cunt stretcher, replied Bob.

What you say, BOY?!! asked the patrolman. A cunt stretcher.

Of course the cop asked, Whats a cunt stretcher do?

Bob explained, Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until its six feet across.

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?

Bob nonchalantly commented, You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days! Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table rupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
The bartender cant contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful childs puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, Whats all the chanting and celebration about?
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2 – 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!

Era un tipo que nunca durante su niñez había usado un calzoncillo porque su mamá no le compraba. Así que cuando ya creció y cumplió dieciocho años su mamá le compró diez

metros de manta y le hizo un calzoncillo con un metro de esa manta.

El muchacho estaba tan contento, pues era la primer vez que iba a estrenar una prenda de esas. Así que decidió ir a sorprender a su novia con el super regalo que le habían

dado, pero era tanta la emoción que tenía que se le olvidó ponerse el canzoncillo antes de ponerse el pantalón. Y así con gran emoción se fué donde la novia.

Llega a casa de la novia y cuando están en la sala le dice: Mi amor, tengo una sorpresa que quiero enseñarte.

Y rápidamente se suelta el pantalón, sin acordarse aún que no tenía el canzoncillo puesto. Y la hembra donde ve semejante barbaridad se quedó atónita y dijo:

Dios mío, pero que es esa barbaridad.

A lo que el tipo responde: Y eso no es nada mi amor, en la casa quedaron nueve metros más.

ATENCIÓN: DIPLOMADO EN FUNCION CEREBRAL PARA EL HOMBRE DE HOY

Objetivo del diplomado:

Iniciar al hombre en esa experiencia fascinante que es el pensar con la cabeza y no con el…

Requisitos:

Mayores de 25 años.

Programa:

El diplomado está dividido en los siguientes cinco módulos:

MÓDULO I: Pensar con la cabeza.

1. Cómo platicar con una mujer sin ver su escote.

2. Cómo identificar a una mujer de espaldas sin tener que ver sus caderas.

3. Nociones básicas: Cómo evitar una erección en medios de transporte.

4. Aprendiendo a gastar lo necesario en el Table Dance.

MÓDULO II: Dependencias.

1. Aprendiendo a vivir sin el Viagra.

2. Cocina básica: Cómo hacer huevos estrellados sin que se te rompa la yema (teoría y práctica).

3. Aprendiendo a endulzar tu café sin tirar azúcar en la mesa.

MÓDULO III: Organización.

1. Sí es posible limpiar la mesa cuando se te cae comida.

2. Dinámica de grupo: aprendiendo a servir el jugo del refrigerador en vasos(no incluye material de apoyo).

3. Práctica de campo: Tú puedes orinar sin salpicar el inodoro.

4. Cómo levantar la tapa del inodoro (teoría y práctica).

5. Atínale cuando estás borracho.

6. Atínale cuando llevas prisa.

7. Cuidado con la gotita traicionera. Aprende a controlarlo (3 sesiones dinámicas).

8. Tú puedes dejar tus trusas sin sello.

9. Cómo lavar tus calzoncillos.

10. Aprendiendo a tener vergüenza

11. Significado de la palabra vergüenza (teórico 6 h).

12. Significado de la palabra vergüenza II (teórico y practico 4 h). Incluye Aprende a lavar tus trusas II.

MÓDULO IV: Televisión.

1. ¿Por qué la TV no puede ser más importante que las mujeres?

2. Todo lo que no puede hacer una televisión.

3. Teórico: 2 h sala.

4. Práctica: Mesa y cocina 2 h.

5. Práctica de campo: cama 6 h.

6. La TV y el sexo.

7. Falta de concentración: Cómo afecta en el sexo.

8. Película de acción: Cómo afecta en el sexo.

9. El fútbol y la impotencia.

MÓDULO V: Abriendo los ojos a la realidad

1. Las tristes realidades: Aprendiendo a aceptarte. Con psicólogos profesionales para cualquier atención inesperada que requieras.

2. La panza no es sexy.

3. Tamaño estándar (no eres nada extraordinario).

4. La boca y los hollejos de frijoles.

5. No es lo mismo los tres mosqueteros que 20 años después (ni tú lo mismo de hace 5 años… ni a los 5 min.).

SOLICITA YA TU LUGAR.

¡CUPO LIMITADO!