Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zippy!
Zippy who?
Mrs Zippy!

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

** What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig wont do.

Un apostador le cuenta a su amigo sobre su primer visita a Las Vegas y sobre lo mucho que le costó dormir en aquella oportunidad:

Fui despertado a la una, a las dos, a las cuatro de la mañana por una corista borracha que gritaba como loca y golpeaba a mi puerta.

¡Eso es terrible!, exclamó el amigo. ¡Cómo dormir en una situación así…!

Sí. A las cinco de la mañana finalmente tuve que dejarla salir…

Un día una niñita estaba sentada observando a su mamá lavar los trastes en la cocina. De repente notó que su mamá tenía varios cabellos blancos que sobresalían entre su cabellera oscura. Miró a su mamá y le preguntó inquisitivamente:

Porqué tienes algunos cabellos blancos, Mami?

Su mamá le contestó:

Bueno, cada vez que haces algo malo y me haces llorar o me pones triste, uno de mis cabellos se pone blanco.

La niñita digirió esta revelación por un rato y luego dijo:

Mami, ¿porqué TODOS los cabellos de mi abuelita están blancos?

Can we count them with our nose?

Can we count them with our toes?

Should we count them with a band?

Should we count them all by hand?



If I do not like the count,

I will simply throw them out.

I will not let this vote count stand.

I do not like them, AL GORE I am!



Can we change these numbers here?

Can we change them, calm my fears?

What do you mean, Dubya has won?

This is not fair, this is not fun.



Lets count them upside down this time.

Lets count until the state is mine.

I will not let this vote count stand.

I do not like it, AL GORE I am!



Im really ticked, Im in a snit.

You have not heard the last of it.

Ill count the ballots one by one.

And hold each one up to the sun.



Ill count, recount, and count some more.

Youll grow to hate this little chore.

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.

I do not like it, Al Gore I am!



I wont leave office, Im stayin here.

Ive glued my desk chair to my rear.

Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too,

all telling me that I should sue.



We find the Electoral College vile.

Re-count the votes until I smile.

We do not want this vote to stand.

We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the woo, woo sound.



3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.



4. Get in the shower.



5. Dont bother to look for a washcloth. (you dont use one)



6. Wash your face



7. Wash your armpits



8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.



9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.



10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.



11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)



12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.



13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.



14. Pee (in the shower)



15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.



16. Partial dry off.



17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.



18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.



19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.



20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go Yeah baby and thrust your pelvis at her.



21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Knock, knock

Whos there?



Hewlett.



Hewlett who?



Who let all of these mosquitos in!!

There once was a fellow named Siegel





Who attempted to bugger a beagle,





But the mettlesome bitch





Turned and said with a twitch,





Its fun, but you know its illegal.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

How Can I Miss You if You Wont Go Away?

Seen on a womans car: Men call us birds, we pick up worms

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

I like you, but I wouldnt want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.