Old and New Jokes

There is a Mama lion, a Daddy lion & a Baby lion. The mama lion & the daddy lion were having a lot of fights so they decided to get a divorce. The lion family goes in front of a judge to decide custody of the baby
lion. The judge asks the baby lion Do you wanna live with mama lion? The baby lion answers No, mama lion beats me. The judge said Alright, do you wanna live with daddy lion? The baby lion answers No, daddy lion beats me worse. The judge asks Who do you wanna live with then? The baby answers The Detroit Lions, they dont beat anybody.

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree.With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(It will be ready in, today+30_days, were just testing);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(Yes it will work);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture);
inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);
inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memorychip plant
cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs);
inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone);

register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, write a nice objective article);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(It will be ready in,today+ONE_MONTH);
}

release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, Keep an eye on this
bastard);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

An eight year old girl is trying to check out a book entitled
Advice for Young Mothers from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were

pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Q: Whats old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger?

A: Fred Astaires face.

A medical professional recently told me about a strange and little known
malady. Somehow, it seemed appropriate to forward the information here.
I did not make this up. Honest.

witzelsucht (vitsel-zoocht) [Ger.]

A mental condition characteristic of frontal lobe lesions and marked by
the making of poor jokes and puns and the telling of pointless stories, at
which the patient himself is intensely amused.

From Dorlands Illustrated Medical Dictionary, 26th edition.

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar…. Pass the honey, honey.” Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, Well, howd I do?

The nurse says, She had twins.

He says, Heh, heh, heh…well, I guess that goes to show, that even if theres snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.

She says, Well, then youd better change filters. Both of the babies are black.

How do you know when youve satisfied a redhead?

She unties you.