8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriends/husbands ex – notice shes gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
22
Apr
22
Apr
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, its already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we dont want to know
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
22
Apr
How careers end…
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
22
Apr
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole — are you ready for this? — the banks video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didnt get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
22
Apr
I said no to drugs, but they didnt listen!
22
Apr
Sex on television cant hurt you unless you fall off.
22
Apr
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about Gods existence. The professor presented the following logic:
Has anyone in this class heard God? Nobody spoke.
Has anyone in this class touched God? Again, nobody spoke.
Has anyone in this class seen God?
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, Then there is no God.
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold students response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
Has anyone in this class heard our professors brain? Silence.
Has anyone in this class touched our professors brain? Absolute silence.
Has anyone in this class seen our professors brain?
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, Then, according to our professors logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!
The student received an A in the class!
22
Apr
Three rabbis were bragging about how liberal they were.
Rabbi #1: We have ashtrays by the seats.
Rabbi #2: Thats nothing! Come Yom Kippur service, we hand out sandwiches… ham sandwiches.
Rabbi #3: Thats nothing! When the High Holy Days come, we lock the doors and put the sign: Closed for the holidays.
22
Apr
What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios? "Neato…Doughnut seeds!"
22
Apr
Theres a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280! Herman says, I know, but there isnt just one, there are hundreds!