Old and New Jokes

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.

Doctor I think I have the crabs.

When was the last time you had sex?

The doctor asks.

I have never had sex. Im still a virgin.

she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.

After the examination he said, I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you dont have the crabs. The bad news is youve got fruit flies.

Fruit flies?

asks granny.

Yeah, says the doctor.

Your cherry rotted.

The most recent survey about women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs.

Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs.

The rest liked something in-between.

O.J. was on a talk show recently and was asked if he would ever get married again.

He replied..Sure…Id love to take another stab at it..!!!

There was this guy at the patent office counter and said, I want to patent this Peach.

The clerk asked,Whats so special about your peach?

The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!

Then the next guy walks up and said,I want to patent this cookie!

The clerk said,now what is so special about your cookie?

In return the guy said, It tastes like a womans snatch!

The clerk said I gotta try this so he took a bite. He then said, Oh man, this tastes like shit!

The man at the counter said, Turn it around!

Three marines were stranded on a desert island with a lovely young blonde.

After about 6 months the blonde, being so ashamed of what she had been doing, killed herself… About a year later, the marines, being a little ashamed of what they had been doing, buried her!!!

On Freds 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Freds 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.

What do you mean you dont want me to do it any more, she said baffled by his actions.

I just dont want you to hold me anymore, replied Fred.

Why, is there someone else?

Actually there is, Fred shamefully admitted.

Well what does she have that I dont have?

Parkinsons, replied Fred.

A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.

The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.

The landlord says, Dont tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.

Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?

The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. Whats going on?

The man replies, Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuffs already gone.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three
basement windows?

It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, Awww, look at the dead birdie.
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, Where?

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You cant, they have always been like that.

Q: A blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q: How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write Please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.

A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says, poor thing look at the dog with one eye.

The blonde covers one of her eyes and says where?