Old and New Jokes

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chairs

Water proof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alchohol

Reusable ice cubes

See through tiolet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Helicopter ejector seat

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting 88, 88, 88, 88… until a blonde came up to her and said, that looks like fun, can I try? The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, 88, 88, 88, 88.. Well, said the brunette, that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street So the blonde said OK and stood in the middle of the street. 88, 88, 88, 88- BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, 89, 89, 89, 89…

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters,

T-G-I-F.



He smiled at her and replied, S-H-I-T. She looked at him, puzzled, and said T-G-I-F again.



He acknowledged her remark again by answering, S-H-I-T.



The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, T-G-I-F another time.



The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, S-H-I-T.



The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday, get it?



The man answered, S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.





More Blonde Q & A



Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?



Thats the proper place to wash vegetables.





What is a Blondes favorite nursary rhyme?



Hump me dump me





What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?



Pull the pin and throw it back.

She was soooo blonde… she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she sold the car for gas money. she studied for a blood test and failed. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. she thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone bill. she told

me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DONT WALK. she tried to alphabetize M&Ms. she tried to drown a fish. she wrote Capricorn on the application where it said, sign here.

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, We were the first in space! The American said, We were the first on the moon! The Blonde said, So what, were going to be the first on the sun! The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. You cant land on the sun, you idiot! Youll burn up! said the Russian.



To which the Blonde replied, Were not stupid, you know. Were going at night!

What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?

Doughnut seeds!



Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet ?

So she wouldnt wake up the Sleeping Pills



How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

When her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil!





How did the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn?

She fell out of the tree!

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. Val mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Val begins to slip from the saddle.



In terror, Val grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.



As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when……..



……..the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him Head and Shoulders and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, How do you give shoulders?

Behind the seven seas and seven mountains, theres a castle. And in that castle theres a magic mirror. If you lie to that mirror, it will eat you.



A black-haired girl came and said: I think Im the prettiest! Zap! The mirror ate her.



A brunnette came: I think Im the prettiest! Zap! The mirror ate her too.



A blonde came and said: I think… Zap! The mirror ate her.

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.



Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.



And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: Id run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of the Raiders said, To win, Id run over Joes Mom, too.



Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (1996)



Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.



Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: You guys line up alphabetically by height. and You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.



Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: I play football. Im not trying to be a professor. The tests dont seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I havent been through in school.



Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.



Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: Thats so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.



Shaquille ONeal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: I cant really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.



Shaquille ONeal, on his lack of championships: Ive won at every level, except college and pro.



Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.



Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record in 1992: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.



Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: My sisters expecting a baby, and I dont know if Im going to be an uncle or an aunt.



Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back. (1981)



Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)



Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the teams co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: Im going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too. (1981)



Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet. (1991)



Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating. (1986)



Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: Its basically the same, just darker. (1991)



Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot. (1996)



Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, Coach, I dont know and I dont care. (1991)



Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.



Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject.



Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.