A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit. 9 Iron
The man looks round and doesnt see anyone so he tries again. Ribbit. 9 Iron. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, Wow thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh? The frog replys Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog. The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog?, the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood. was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesnt know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, Ok where to next? The frog reply, Ribbit Las Vegas.
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, Ok frog, now what? The frog says, Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, what do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit $3000 black 6. Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, Frog, I dont know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit, Kiss Me.
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.
— Johnny Carson
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, Why did you call me any way? Isnt it your job to bury the dead?
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!
Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say, Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?
Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.
Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?
We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.
And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?
The rabbi, wearily, replies, We send them to the city as well.
To the city!? And what do they send to you?
Today they have sent you to us.
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but its been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling Shes in the BATHROOM!
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom
Cow Birthing:
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The man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, Great… hes 5 and Im gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – Ill just let him ask, and Ill answer. When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said,
Well Willie, do you have any questions?
Just one, gasped the pie-eyed lad. How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?
Somewhat skeptical of his sons newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
Please, Dad, whined the boy, I promise Ill use them every day.
I dont know, Michael. Its really a big commitment on your part, the father pointed out.
Please, Dad?
Theyre not cheap either.
Ill use them Dad, I promise. Youll see.
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Suzie: Dont bite any!
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?
The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous.
The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze!
The second kid then asks, What are you here for?
The first kid says, A circumcision.
And the second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldnt walk for a year!