A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.
How did you know? his mother asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think its printed on the bottom.
31
Dec
31
Dec
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52…F-16…B-2
31
Dec
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
31
Dec
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side!
31
Dec
Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?
A:a viberator is an artificial dick!
31
Dec
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
31
Dec
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, Whats the problem officer?
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks. (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.
Man: Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.
The man turns to his wife and yells, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, Maam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?
The wife says, No, only when hes drunk.
31
Dec
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla.
The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another.
The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.
Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.
The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, Somebody has broken into my car.
They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.
The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, I just called about a car that had been broken into.
Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.
31
Dec
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further hes stopped by a police officer.
Officer: Good evening sir. Were testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?.
Man: Im sorry, I cant do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air.
Officer: Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.
Man: I cant do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.
Officer: Then youll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line.
Man: Cant do that either.
Officer: Why not?
Man: Because Im dead drunk!
31
Dec
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.
The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldnt be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.