Old and New Jokes

One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.

The sheriff says Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?



Billy-Bob replies Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin. MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town! . . . I guess Im the first one here!

You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade as my senior year.

Kudzu is green, my dogs name is Blue And Im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blues And without all them fleas.



You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You aint got no scales But I luv you anyway.



Youre as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.



You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When were in a crowd.



On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, Im in hawg heaven, Im plumb outta my wits.



And speakin of wits, Youve got plenty fer shore. Cuz you married me Back in 74.



Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape Yore there fer yore man, To patch up lifes troubles And stick em in the can.



Yore as strong as a four-wheeler Racin through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.



Yore as cute as a junebug A-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant Upon which I oft tread.



Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.



When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Aint nuttin I lack.



Yore complexion, its perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin.



And when you get old Like a 57 Chevy, Wont put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.



Me n yous like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.



Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentines Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, Its romantic that way.



Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. Thats impressive, I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. Diamonds are forever, They explain, suave and couth.



But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you.



I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds its a new ridin mower.

Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.



2. If you forget a Southerners name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.



3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.



4. If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.



5. Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.



6. Do not buy food at the movie store.



7. If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating.



8. Remember: Yall is singular. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.



9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.



10. Get used to hearing, You aint from around here, are you?



11. People walk slower here.



12. Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either.



13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective Big ol, as in big ol truck or big ol boy. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.



14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.



15. Be advised: The He needed killin defense is valid here.



16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.



17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this! stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.



18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.



19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their cars windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.



20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.



21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something youre supposed to do.



22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.



23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.



24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.



25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also hear expressions such as, Laud, Have mercy, Good Laud, and Laudy, Laudy, Laudy.



26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.



27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, youre better off trying to find it yourself.

What does Ford stand for?



Found On Rednecks Driveway!

Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.



Shure was, Boss he replied, I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.



Gosh, thats awful, replied the foreman Do you want the rest of the day off?



No, replied the Aggie. Ill finish the day out.



About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.



Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life, Moaned the Aggie.

That was my brother, and his mother died today too!

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about todays lesson.



Ill say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Lets begin. A



All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ass or asshole. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said apple.



Very good, said the teacher, now B.



Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said ball.



This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to R. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.



The teacher thought and thought and couldnt think of a bad word that started with R. So she picked Johnny.



Johnny stands up and says: R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin Rat!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.



Momma, look what I found, the boy called out.



What have you got there, dear? his mother asked.



With astonishment in the young boys voice, he answered: I think its Adams suit!

Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?

A: A watchdog!



Q: Why do male deer need braces?

A: Because they have buck teeth!