All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend – My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.
He yelss – Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!
31
Dec
31
Dec
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
But how will I let you know the baby is born?she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. Ill take care of expenses.
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctors wife called him at the office and said, Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I dont understand what it means.
The doctor said, Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.
31
Dec
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you?
John said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
31
Dec
Im worried about my daughters boyfriend. I told him she had to be home by 10:15 and he said, October 15? Cool!
31
Dec
A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband was 300% impotent.
The doctor replied, Im not sure I understand what you mean.
She answered, Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!
31
Dec
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.
The second deaf man signed back, Boy youre lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.
The first deaf man asked, So, what did you do?
The second man replied, I turned out the light.
31
Dec
So, a seceratary was leaving the office
when she saw the CEO standing in front
of the paper shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand. Excuse me. said the
CEO, This is a very important document.
Could you get this thing to work? so the
seceratary tuned on the machine,
inserted the paper and pressed the start
button and the paper went. Great, said
the CEO, I just need one copy.
31
Dec
A rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
officer:May I see your license?
Man:It is not valid.It has been revoked 5 times.
officer:Well then can I please see the registration to the car?
Man:this is not my car.I carjacked it.
Officer:Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is regitered to.
Man:I cant open up the glove box,it has my loaded gun in there
About this time the officer is reaching for his gun.
Officer:Well what do you have a gun in the glove box for?
Man:Oh, I used to kill my wife who is stuffed in the trunk.
The officer goes over and calls for backup.The police chief comes over and says,
Chief:Let me get this straight, you are driving on a license that has been revoked 5 times?
Man: No, Here, take a look,
And sure enough it was valid
Chief:Okay,but you carjacked this car?
Man:No it is my car.Let me get the registration out of the glove box and show you.
Chief:But dont you have a loaded gun in there ?
Man:NO
And sure enough there was no gun in there and the car belonged to the man.
Chief:Well it is my understanding that you shot your wife and she is in the trunk.
Man:No,let me open it for you.
And sure enough there was nobody in the trunk.
Man: And let me guess,The lying son-of-a-gun probably told you I was speeding too!
31
Dec
A man was going on abusiness trip to Florida. His wife was going to meet him there, but he got there a day early. He tried to remember her e-mail adress but he sent it to a pastors wife and the pastor died the day before. The e-mail said, got here safely, waiting for your arrival tommorow, it sure is hot down here.
31
Dec
The girl asked her lover, Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?
Sure, replied her lover Whats your phone number?