A mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of drinks, one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they have had their fun, he realizes it is 3AM and says, Oh no, its so late, my wife is going to kill me! Do you have any talcum powder?
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. Where the hell have you been?!
Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.
Oh yeah? Let me see your hands! She sees his hands are covered with powder. You liar! You went bowling again!
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?
The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: Who was that woman?!
Take it easy, honey, said the groom, Im going to have trouble enough explaining you to her.
Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses problems. We met a good friend of ours recently, the morning after his wedding, brooding over a drink in a local bar.
What’s the trouble? we asked. I should think you’d be the happiest man in the world today.
He shook his head sadly. What creatures of habit we are, he said. This morning when I rose, half asleep, without thinking, I pulled a $50 bill from my wallet and left it on the pillow.
We tried to console him and told him his wife wouldnt think anything of it.
You dont understand, he said. Half asleep, without thinking, she gave me twenty dollars change.
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.
Oh mamma! she exclaimed. Tthe honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic! No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!
Now Sarah . . . her mother answered. Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?
Please dont make me tell you, mamma. wept the daughter. Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!
Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the
same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up
in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.
The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im
going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake
The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think
Im
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my
ass up just one more time.
One day a doctor a lawyer and a bum go into a strip joint. the doctor pulls out a 100$, licks it and slaps it on the stripper then the lawyer (not wanting to be out done) pulls out 200$, licks it, and slaps it on the stripper. The bum pulls out a stolen credit card, swipes it down the strippers ass and takes alll of the money.
Knock knock
whose there?
willy
willy who?
willy he bang me harder?
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Shelby.
Shelby who?
Shelby comin round the mountain when she comes.
A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.
A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.
As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no its not. I shot it. its mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild its mine.
The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.
The farmer said in Kansas we dont sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.
The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.
The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.
The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.
The farmer said. I get to go first. cause the duck landed in my field. The lawyer said ok.
Well the farmer kick him in the growing and the lawyer bent over in pain. Then the farmer kick him in the nose. all most took it off. As the lawyer tryed to get up. The farmer went and kick him in the kidnees,
The lawyer went down hard. As he muster all his strength he had to get to his feet.
He Said. NOW ITS MY TURN.
The farmer said. Nope I give up.
You can have the duck.