A man goes into a bar, sits down, and looks at the drunk guy next to him. he asks the drunk if he wants to see something amazing; the drunk says yeah, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny grand piano and a little man who proceeds to play beethoven, bach, etc… the drunk is severely impressed and asks the guy where he got the little man; he tells him that he found a genie one day in africa and was granted 3 wishes for setting it free from its bottle. the drunk asked him what else he wished for and received the answer nothing; its a fucked-up genie. the drunk asked if he could borrow the genie for a few minutes…the man said no…its a fucked-up genie! the drunk pulled out his wallet and offered the man a thousand dollars to let him borrow the genie for five minutes and the man reluctantly agreed with the admonition that it was a fucked-up genie. the drunk walked outside the bar with the genies bottle and there came a huge blast of light…the drunk came back in followed by a large flock of baby ducks, looked at the man and said youre right; that is a fucked-up genie…i wished for a million bucks and got a million ducks!! the man looked at the drunk and said i told you it was a fucked-up genie; do you REALLY think i wished for an eight-inch pianist?
An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island. After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up. Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared. The Genie said I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish
The American straight away said I want to go back home to New York
With a wave of the Genies hand, the American disappeared.
The Australian said Please send me back to my home in Sydney
No Problem, the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappear.
Suddenly there was a loud crash. Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach. The elephant picked himself up and looked around. He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, Sorry chaps, I appear to be the wrong joke!
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.
The man cheers, Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.
First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account. Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here. Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues,Finally, I want to be irresistible to women. Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
One day, Josh went over to Bens to have a look at the small yacht he was selling. Ben had it on dry land because it had a small gash in its keel. But other then that, what a fine yacht it was….a mahogany deck, the latest in navigational gears, including a state of the art fish-finder. Ben wanted just $5,000 for it and assured Josh he would even have the keel repaired himself.
Well, Josh needed time to think it over so off he went fishing. He took his small aluminum boat out into the bay and it wasnt 5 minutes later, when he got his first bite. He pulled his line in and found he had caught a nice-sized cod. As he was taking the hook out, the fish spoke to him:
Fish: Please release me, let me go. I am the last of my species and if you put me back in the water, I will grant you a wish.
Josh thought for a second and then said, I wish this here small boat of mine, was a small yacht just like Bens.
The following day, Josh was found clinging to a buoy after the small yacht he was fishing in, sank from damage to its keel.
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, Do you live here?
No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful, he answered.
The wife said, Are you a genie?
Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself, the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes…one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, Done!
The genie now said, For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, How long have you been married? to which she responded, Three years. The genie then asked, How old is your husband? to which she responded, 31 years old. The genie then asked, How long has he believed in this genie stuff?
Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.
The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice. The clothes probably wouldnt have fit.
If someone says, I cant get to a web page.
Okay, whats the page you are trying to get to?
friend@yahoo.com? Hmmm… I think I see the problem.
When you ask your operator to take you to www.ebay.com,
are you saying, Please?
Did you delete and icon labelled The Internet from your computer?
You did? Well, it will take years to restore the entire Internet; in the
meantime, the F.B.I. would like to have a word with you.
There was a guy bar hopping and he stopped in a bar. he asked the bar tender where the bathroom is, this guy was dead drunk and he was wabbling side to side down the hall to the bathroom, 5 minutes after he went in there everyone in the bar heard a blood curdling scream, the bar tender said ahh its only a 1 time thing, hell be ok, 5 minutes later he heasrd a blood curdling scream 2 times as loud as the first, the bar tender goes into the bathroom and finds this guy squatin down and the guy says bar tender there is something wrong woth your john every time i flush this thing sqeezes the heck out of my balls, the bartender says dude your sitting on the mop bucket.
Q: How many programmers dose it take to changr a lightbilb?
A:None…thats a harware issue.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After hes done, he says to the bartender, So what do I owe ya? And so the bartender responds, Oh, youre free of charge.