Old and New Jokes

Words From Famous Women …

Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know Im not dumb…and I also know that Im not blonde. – Dolly Parton

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, Ive done my job. – Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant – Carol

Leifer

Ive been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman

Im not going to vacuum til Sears makes one you can ride on. – Roseanne

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me its because its cold in there. And Im like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman

I think-therefore Im single – Lizz Winstead

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesnt itch. – Gilda Radner

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.- Maryon Pearson

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming, he recalled.

Thats terrible, said Williams. Howd you ever get any sleep?

At five oclock I finally unlocked the door and let her out, replied Irvin.

You might be a redneck if…
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in".

Había cierta vez un tipo llamado Bernardo Bermúdez. En el día de su aniversario de casados, su esposa (que tenía la costumbre de poner en cualquier obsequio que le daba las iniciales del marido) pensaba qué regalarle.

Se le ocurrió entonces tatuarse una B en cada nalga, cosa que hizo inmediatamente. Al llegar el tipo del trabajo, ella le dice:

Déjame enseñarte tu regalo.

La mujer se desviste y se empina, para que el marido pueda verla en todo su esplendor.

Acto seguido su marido pregunta: ¿Quien es BOB?

A blonde tried to sell her old car. But she was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.



That doesnt matter, replied the blonde, if I only can sell the car.



Okay, said the brunette. Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.



The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.



About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, Did you sell your car?



No, replied the blonde, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew!

Emersons Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halleys Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halleys Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halleys Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halleys comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.

Why dosent Mexico have an olimpic team?

Because anyone there who can jump, swim, or run would have already snuck into the United States.