Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
31
Dec
31
Dec
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
31
Dec
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
31
Dec
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) – Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further – eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who dont want to eat the items – which taste like unsalted popcorn – can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
31
Dec
You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
31
Dec
Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears.
31
Dec
A female student is assigned a thesis on changing trends in feminism. In her research she is shocked to read of a village in Central Africa where, 50 years ago, the women were so inferior to their husbands that they dared only to walk 10 paces behind them. Determined to find out whether the situation had changed she set out to this country and was delighted to see that it had. Leaving the airport she saw that the men were walking not 10 paces, but 100m ahead of their husbands. In her enthusiasm the student catches up with one such lady and asks of her, What great change could have occured which means that you, the woman, can now lead your husband through these paths. The African woman looks at her sadly and replys, land mines.
31
Dec
Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of bitches.
31
Dec
What would happen if we priced our COWS using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a CAR?
LIST PRICING A COW
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One
day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over
to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
BASIC COW………………………………………….$499.9
Shipping and handling…………………………………35.75
Extra Stomach………………………………………….79.25
Two Tone Exterior……………………………………142.10
Produce Storage Compartment…………………..126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper………………………..189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System………….149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter…………………………………88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery………………………179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns……………………………………..59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment……………………339.40
4X4 Traction Drive Assembly………………………884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb………………………..69.80
______________________________________________
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: …….$2,843.3
Additional Dealer Adjustments: ……………………….300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options)………$3,143.36
31
Dec
A first grade teacher in the conservative Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush.
Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. Mary, says the teacher with surprise, why didnt you raise your hand? Because Im not a Republican, says Mary. Well, what are you? asks the teacher. Im a Democrat and proud of it, replies the little girl.
The teacher cannot believe her ears. My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat? she asks. Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so Im a Democrat, too.
Well, says the teacher in an annoyed tone, thats no reason for you to be a Democrat. You dont always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?
Mary smiled. Then wed be Republicans.