A college student called his mom from school and asked her for some money, because he ran out. His mom said, Sure, sweetie, Ill send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited a couple weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?Uhh, oh yeah! Uh, yeah I guess that would be okay, responded her son.So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she got back, her husband asked, Well how much did you give the boy this time?Oh, I just wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000.Thats $1020!!! yelled Dad, Are you crazy???Dont worry hon, she said, as she kissed him on the top of his head, I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!
Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common? A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how
they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, We just tell them theyre going to die.
A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The party is escorted to a table and given a menu.
When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having
noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.
When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains:
I was in the desert one day and found a lamp.
It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it.
Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes…
My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.
My second wish was to have many beatiful women.
And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!
Q: Why dont blondes eat Jello?
A: They cant figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Temperatures
60 degrees – Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees – Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees – Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees – You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees – Italians cars dont start. 32 degrees – Water freezes. 30 degrees – You plan your vacation in Australia. 25 degrees – Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees – Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees – French cars dont start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees – You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees – American cars dont start. 0 degrees – Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 degrees – German cars dont start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees – You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees – Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars dont start. -25 degrees – Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees – You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars dont start. -40 degrees – Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees – Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees – Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees – Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees – Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.
50°F10°CNew Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
40°F4°CCalifornians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35°F2°CItalian cars wont start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32°F0°CDistilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20°F-7°CFloridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a T-shirt.
15°F-9°CCalifornians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
0°F-18°CNew York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cookout before it gets cold.
-10°F-23°CPeople in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flagpoles.
-20°F-29°CCalifornians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a lightweight jacket.
-40°F-40°CHollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
-60°F-51°CMt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
-80°F-62°CPolar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone Winter Survival classes until it gets cold enough.
-100°F-73°CSanta Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173°F-114°CEthyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they cant thaw their kegs.
-297°F-183°CMicrobial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460°F-273°CALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying Cold nuff for ya?
-500°F-296°CHell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
Mother, I cant marry him, moaned the love-stricken girl, Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesnt believe in hell.
Now you go right ahead and marry him, replied the mother, and between the two of us well show him hes wrong.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on
Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youd have to reinstall the engine
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats
MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light
Now seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car
Youd press the start button to shut off the engine
In my home town of Lowestoft – there is a shop that sells two, rather incompatible products – the shop is called Broadland electronics and aquatics !!!
And I thought that water and electricity didnt mix!
I can just imagine going in for A fish and a TV…
Can anyone beat that?