Old and New Jokes

• Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest
  that you should get some rest.
  
• You can achieve a Runners High by sitting up.
  
• You say the same sentence over and over again not realizing that you
  have said it before.
  
• The Sun is too loud.
  
• Trees begin chasing you.
  
• You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  
• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip
  solution of espresso.
  
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption
  of coffee.
  
• You can hear mimes.
  
• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
  
• Things become Very Clear.
  
• You ask the Drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  
• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
  
• You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can
  understand.
  
• You keep yelling STOP TOUCHING ME!!! even though you are the only
  one in the room.
  
• Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  
• David Lynch comes up to you and says: Hey!, can I film you?
  
• You and Reality file for divorce.
  
• You can skip without a rope.
  
• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  
• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and
  Everthing else, but cant quite find the words for them before the white
  glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
  
• You can travel without moving.
  
• Antiacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  
• You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get
  into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the
  rest of the night.
  
• Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
  
• You have an irresistable urge to bite the nose of the people you are
  talking to.
  

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if theyve left early, put them in Purchasing.

Put a naked woman and a six pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

From London Times via Car and Driver:

Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and
is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his
driver. Cant you go any faster? he says angrily. I have to
obey the speed limits, says the driver.

Finally Gorbachev
orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure
enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer
orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior
officer comes back and says he cant give them a ticket, the
person in the car is too important.

Well, who is it? the senior officer asks.

I didnt recognize him, says the junior
officer, but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur.

Raj Wall
Texas Instruments

A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

A little girl became restless as the preachers sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?

A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, Bobby, do you believe in the devil?

No, said the little boy. Hes just like Santa Claus. I think its my daddy.

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. How do you know what to say? he asked.

Why, God tells me.

Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?

At the circus the clowns dont talk.

10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer:

The monitor is up on blocks
Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
The six front keys have rotted out
The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them
The numeric keypad only goes up to six
The password is BUBBA
Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU
Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
The keyboard is camouflaged
And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a
computer is… The Mouse is referred to as a Critter

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?


A: Its called Debbie Does Dishes.