My wife and I have an agreement that works… She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

You Know Youve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When….



1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, Call a priest!

9. You hear a duck quacking and its you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

18. Youre at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

21. You realize youre the only one under the coffee table

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A man in St. Louis, Missouri, has a business in which he cleans womens houses, in the nude, for $80. Hes making a fortune on this — not because hes naked, but because women want to see a man clean the house.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed
with another man. (Sounds familiar, right?) So he dragged the man
down the stairs to the garage and put his John Thomas in a vise. He
secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, STOP! STOP! YOURE NOT GOING TO.. TO..
CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye:

Nope. You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers

25 White wine

35 Red wine

48 Dom Perignon

66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair

25 Need to wash and condition my hair

35 Need to color my hair

48 Need to have Francois color my hair

66 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping

25 shopping

35 shopping

48 shopping

66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 Burger King

25 Free meal

35 A diamond

48 A bigger diamond

66 Home Alone

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome

25 tall, dark and handsome with money

35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48 a man with hair

66 a man

AGE WHATS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17

25 25

35 35

48 48

66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay

25 He pays

35 He cooks breakfast the next morning

48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66 He can chew breakfast

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and theyre only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin involves mammas sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You think paprika is a Third World country.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You have the local taxidermists number on speed dial.

Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

Youve ever given rat traps as gifts.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.

The door opened and a man entered. Forgive me Father for I have sinned, he began. I have stolen.

The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.

The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner.

The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldnt find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, What does Father John give for a blow job?

$12.50 if I take me teeth out.

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, God, please get my foot out of these tracks and Ill stop drinking!

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, God, please get my foot out and Ill stop drinking AND cussing!

Still nothing … and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, Ill quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet.

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.

He got the sack.