From Herb Caens column in the San Francisco Chronicle:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,
he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police department that contained another
picture–of handcuffs.
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and hes a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird."So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff dont you? Well Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "Youre on," he said, "and since Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little — but hes still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. Thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month."
A construction worker was rushed to the hospital after cutting
himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a pain killer.
Dont bother Doc, said the man. Ive been through a lot worse.
More painful than this? the doctor asked.
Ill tell you about the
second most painful accident I ever had. I was hunting one day and
had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted. I tripped a
bear trap and BOOM, the thing snapped shut on my balls.
The doctor
winced, Thats awful. But tell me, what could be worse?
When I reached the end of the chain.
An original of mine.
A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his
briefcase, then calls to his wife.
Honey.
Yes, darling? she replies.
Honey, he says, in mild exasperation, why do you persist
in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. Id never be unfaithful.
Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you, she replies sweetly,
Its just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases
out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything
did happen, youd be protected. So please, darling, take it with
you, wont you? For my sake?
Oh, alright, if you put it that way, he relented, Ill do
it for you. But for heavens sake, give me more than ONE!
A couples having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.
The waitress comes over and says, Excuse me, Maam, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman says, No he didnt, he just walked in the door.
How bout that Saddam Hussein? Im beginning to think the guys wacky. He announced that if hes found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney. –David Letterman
Saddam Hussein boycotted his trial in Bagdad this week. He just refused to come to the courthouse. So what, just so long as he shows up for the execution. Thats all I care about. –Jay Leno
At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, Im sorry, thats President Bush. –Jay Leno
Today in Baghdad, the judge in the Saddam Hussein trial said that Saddam was not a dictator. After saying this, Saddam was furious. He said, What does a guy have to do?. –Conan OBrien
President Bush said hes often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isnt responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same — Dad, quit asking me that.. –Jay Leno
The Senate Intelligence Committee — that almost sounds like an oxymoron — released a report this week saying theres no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy. –Jay Leno
The new Senate report that came out today said there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had ties to al Qaeda before we invaded Iraq. Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, said this is just another partisan attempt to denigrate what administration officials worked so hard to pull out of their asses. –Bill Maher
Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people dont want you to die. –Jay Leno
Saddam Husseins trial began today, and during the proceedings, Saddam refused to identify himself. Luckily, everyone recognized him from that time he ran the country for 25 years. The trial was televised live throughout Iraq. Yeah, Iraqis were glued to their TV sets, mainly because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets. –Conan OBrien
Saddams trial, the TV event of the year. Its like the Oscars, but with atrocities. –Stephen Colbert
Saddam Husseins guards are giving interviews. … Apparently Saddam likes Raisin Bran for breakfast but hates Froot Loops. After hearing this, President Bush said, he hates Froot Loops; hes more evil than I thought. –Conan OBrien
Saddam has even been giving (his guards) advice on how to date women. He said what you do is play some Barry White in your spider hole. –David Letterman
Turns out Saddam Hussein is a neat freak who likes to eat Doritos and Cheetos all day. At least thats what he said on his profile for eharmony.com. –Jay Leno
This just in: People magazine has just named Saddam Hussein sexiest man alive. –David Letterman
Saddam Hussein in his underpants — finally some quality pornography for women, everything you need right there. –David Letterman
People in the Middle East are still angry about the picture. They said how would we like it if our leader was caught without his pants on? Uh, been there done that. –Jay Leno
It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush. -Bill Maher, on Saddams capture
Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein, it raises the question, whats he going to get his dad for Christmas next year? -Jay Leno
President Bush says he doesnt want to use the capture of Saddam for political gain. He says he wants a very slow, public trial that would end, oh, about next November. -Jay Leno
For the last four days, theyve been interrogating Saddam Hussein. … He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said Oh sure, Id run into him at industry functions, but I didnt really know him. -David Letterman
Saddam was found cowering in his little hole in the ground. Supposedly, his goal was to remain in hiding until all the shooting stopped. Well, hey, it worked for the French. -Jay Leno
Saddams daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself. -Jay Leno
President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I dont know whats the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book. -Jay Leno
When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner -Conan OBrien
According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out of the hole, Saddam yelled Im willing to negotiate. Im no expert on the art of the deal, but when youre in a hole with 600 soldiers around, what is your bargaining chip? -Jay Leno
They found several pairs of Saddams boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction. -David Letterman
Im watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned – but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi? -Jon Stewart
During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us – and Howard Dean said Hey, thats my line! -Jay Leno
Yesterday, Democratic candidate Howard Dean was going to make a major speech on foreign policy but then Saddam Hussein was captured and he had to change the speech dramatically at the last second. The new title – Oh, Crap! -Conan OBrien
Officials say that when they tried to interview Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic. Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld. -Conan OBrien
One day youre the leader of Iraq, the next day youre being checked for flees on FOX News. -David Letterman
Saddam Hussein just gave himself up. I mean hell, Michael Jackson put up more of a fight. -David Letterman
This guy was a wreck, you saw the pictures. They had to clean him up in a hurry; they had to give him an emergency Queer Eye makeover. -David Letterman
Youve seen the pictures. (Saddam) had that long beard. They say he was confused; he was disoriented. Its the same condition Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean. -David Letterman
Saddam Hussein has been captured. Im sure everyone knows that by now unless youve been living in a hole, in which case if you were, youre probably the guy they got. -Jon Stewart
Its ironic that they found him in a hole since the term A-hole has been used to describe him so many times. -Jay Leno
They took a DNA sample from him – thats gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said tell me about it! -Jay Leno
At the time of the capture he had $750,000 in cash on him. They think he was trying to buy three gallons of gas from Halliburton … $750,000 – you know what that means? He is now eligible for the Bush tax cut! -Jay Leno
Reaction is coming in from all over the world. The British government is praising the United States, the Spanish government said it was a great day, and the French government praised Saddam for the way he surrendered – We couldnt have done it quicker ourselves! -Jay Leno
When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didnt want him caught – the Democratic candidates. -Jay Leno
In footage thats already loosing shock value, doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced him a member of the Need a Bath party. -Jon Stewart
The individual who gave the tip leading to Huseins capture gets a $25 million award. Surprisingly, the mans name is Hall Halliburton. -Craig Kilborn
We have captured Saddam Hussein. President Bush said those two words that strike fear in the heart of every Californian: fair trial. -Craig Kilborn
Saddam Hussein got a full medical exam and treatment. How does it feel knowing the Butcher of Baghdad got a flu shot before you? -Craig Kilborn
Saddam was captured and living in a hole – a six-by-eight hole for ventilation. Here in New York City we call that the subway. -David Letterman
He was dirty, he had not bathed, he had a full scraggly frightening-looking beard, he had a bag full of cash, he was carrying a pistol, he had several un-opened packages of underwear – its like I have a twin! -David Letterman
Saddam Husseins brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. Thats good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. … Saddams three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell arent we? -David Letterman
The military said well be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA? -Jay Leno
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. -David Letterman
There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad. -Jay Leno
Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, arent they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy. -Jay Leno
Governor Pataki in New York says he knows what to do. He said we should take the toppled statues of Saddam Hussein, melt them down and put them in a new World Trade Center – to serve as a permanent reminder that America is a country that cannot tell Arabs apart. -Bill Maher
It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay. -Jay Leno
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. Hes dead, then hes alive, then dead, then alive. Its just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. -David Letterman
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that its live. You know, its like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. -David Letterman
We now have all of Saddams palaces and residences; he has no place to live. If Saddam thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait until he sees how Republicans treat the homeless. -Jay Leno
There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and hes now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, Oh yeah, absolutely, youll live – until the Americans get here … then youre screwed. -Jay Leno
Today a cruise missile blew up another part of Saddam Husseins presidential palace. Think about this, hes got yachts, hes got palaces, hes got luxury guards. No wonder why hes surrounded by the elite Republican Guard. Hes a Republican. -Jay Leno
New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesnt know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. -Craig Kilborn
Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, hed rather die and wed rather kill him. -Jay Leno
In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything thats needed. Isnt that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and its for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out. -Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. Thats when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemys troops kill themselves. -Jay Leno
In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them. -Jay Leno
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know Im thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. -David Letterman
President Bushs approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. Its now down to 58 percent. Im not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein. -Jay Leno
U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP. -Jay Leno
President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like the rerun of a bad movie. Well sure, theres a Bush in the White House, the economys going to hell, were going to war over oil. Ive seen this movie, havent I? -Jay Leno
In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president. -Jay Leno
As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, its about gasoline. -Jay Leno
U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this? -Jay Leno
According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq. -Tina Fey, Saturday Night Lives Weekend Update
Saddam Hussein has agreed to let UN weapons inspectors in Iraq. But he also said under no circumstances will Geraldo be let back in the country. -Conan OBrien
They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penns couch. -David Letterman
The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a safe haven for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley? -Jay Leno
Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped. -Jon Stewart
The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq – or, as President Bush calls it, Operation Re-election. -Jay Leno, on the vote in Congress to authorize war against Iraq
President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the presidents address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech When Presidents Attack. -Conan OBrien
Its like theyre the Wal-Mart of evil. -Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bushs description of Iraq as a country that gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place
More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. Each one of these palaces of Saddams has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didnt think this guy was creepy before – now hes starting to sound like Michael Jackson. -David Letterman
President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to death. -Jay Leno
What was left unclear…is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh…1982 Saddam. -Jon Stewart
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – hes one of their own. -Jay Leno
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. Thats bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. -David Letterman
Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio. -Jay Leno
President Bush said its now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished. -Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there. -Jay Leno
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, theyre all lining up. -Jay Leno
The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said hed like to help, but hes pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. -Conan OBrien
Germany is now saying that they wont go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium. -Jay Leno
A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bushs dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father. -Jay Leno
Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we cant even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders. -Jay Leno
I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, lets wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there. -Craig Kilborn
The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think thats President Bushs Fathers Day gift to his Dad. -Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. Whats next, a health care plan? -Jay Leno
The U.S. and several of our allies have been trying to secretly to convince Saddam Hussein to step down from power and go into exile forever. Its called Operation Al Gore. -Jay Leno
The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida. -Conan OBrien
Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg. -David Letterman
Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, thats according to Saddams campaign manager, Jeb Hussein. -Jay Leno
Heres something dreadful I heard about. You know these suicide bombers. Turns out Saddam Hussein is paying these people. Hes paying people money to blow themselves up. Isnt that nuts? Isnt that just bizarre? More bizarre than that, recently he increased their salary. The increase is $10,000 to $25,000 for a suicide bombing. Coincidentally, thats the same deal I signed up for with CBS. -David Letterman
Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bushs poll numbers drop. -Jay Leno
President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the presidents address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech When Presidents Attack. -Conan OBrien
Its like theyre the Wal-Mart of evil. -Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bushs description of Iraq as a country that gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place
Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting. Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting. -Jon Stewart
What was left unclear…is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh…1982 Saddam. -Jon Stewart
In a bizarre move, Saddam Hussein has released all prisoners being held in Iraqi jails. Isnt that amazing? Iraq has prisoners that are still alive. -Jay Leno
Isnt it funny how people say theyll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and theyre moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region? -from The Onions question man about President Bushs plans for war with Iraq
The New York Times is reporting that President Bush now has a formal plan for attacking Iraq. They say the key to this plan is timing. As soon as Bushs popularity falls below 52 percent, then it goes into effect. -Jay Leno, July 2002
(These jokes are from various media sources.)
Lou Alcinder was probably the greatest college basketball player of all time leading UCLA to three NCAA championships.
After graduating, he changed his name to Kareem Abdul Jabbar in recogniiton of his Muslem faith. He led the Milwaukee Bucks and later the Los Angeles Lakers to NCAA championships. Along with Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain, he is still considered one of the three best centers ever to play in the NCAA. After finishing his basketball career, he became an actor and is probably best remembered as the co-pilot in the farce Airplane
Even in college, he was fascinated by modern biological science and took part in an experiment whee cells were removed from his mouth, cultured and frozen where thy will be kept until science is advanced enough to clone humans. He has been promised that his cells will be the first used. Because of this the project at UCLA has always been known as Iced Kareem Clone.
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their
50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, We will go to all the same places that we did on
our first honeymoon.
Uh huh, agreed the old man.
We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon, said
the old woman.
Uh huh, agreed the old man.
And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon, said the
old woman.
Thats right, said the old man, except this time I get to sit on
the side of the bed and cry, Its too big, its too big!
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. How much is that Barbie in the window?, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.
The guy asks, Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
Thats obvious, the assistant states, Divorced Barbie comes with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat, Kens furniture…
From the German Army Hand-Book:
The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special order of his seargant if the depth of the water he is marching in is more than half a meter.
(And this is no joke!)