Old and New Jokes

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, Can you tell me how long itll take to fly from
San Francisco to New York City? The agent replies, Just a minute… Thank you, the blonde says, and hangs up.

A man meets his friend in the street.

His friend is all cuts and bruises, bandages, black eyes, broken nose and using crutches.

He says What on earth happend to you? Did you have an accident?

Guys says No, it was caused by a cough

First bloke says A cough… How could a cough cause all those injuries

Guys says Well I was in this womans wardrobe…

Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Support Department:

Dont write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says hes coming right over, go for coffee. Its nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We dont have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not whats keeping you from getting it. We dont need to know that you cant get into your mail because your computer wont power on at all.
Dont put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. Were just testing the public groups.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
When an I.T. person is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who dont have e-mail or a telephone line.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When you call an I.T. persons direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says hes out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. Youre entitled to common courtesy.

The state of the world had reached such cataclysmic proportions, that the religious leaders of the planet decided that it was time to get together and put past differences behind them. Only through godliness, it was felt, would the human race have a chance to survive. If believers in different faiths could get along, then all the non-believers in the world would follow suit.

A big conference was held in Geneva, which was attended by all the leaders of the world’s major and not so major religions. However, it soon became apparent that the job at hand was not going to be as simple as they thought. After all, hadn’t religion been the main cause for persecution, war and general bloodshed for thousands of years? All the participants decided that they would go away for six months in order to discuss matters with their co-religionists to look for compromises that could be made. In this way, it was hoped, believers would find other creeds more palatable.

For half a year, the whole world held its breath. Speculations were published in the media as to what the ground-breaking compromises would be. Finally the long-awaited day arrived. The world’s religious leaders reconvened in Geneva. With the eyes of all humanity fixed upon them, the representatives began to take the podium to announce the decisions of their co-religionists.

As the representative of the world’s largest religion, Roman Catholicism, the Papal delegate was the first to step up to the microphone. After a long-winded preamble in which he recounted the history of Catholicism and its major achievements and apologised to all those who had been hurt by it, he finally announced that the Pope had decided to allow contraception to deal with the world’s population crisis and had agreed to compromise on his own infallibility. There was much cheering in the hall and outside of it. Everybody understood the significance of these decisions and how hard it had probably been to reach them. If this was to set the tone for the conference, then surely peace for all mankind was around the corner.

And sure enough, it was. The Calvinists gave up their belief in the Elect, Buddhists agreed to stop praying to a bald, fat idol, Muslims said that the idea of Jihad wasn’t such a good one after all and that they’d ease up on the no-alcohol business so that they could go for the occasional pint with the other believers and the Mormons finally agreed to stop bothering the hell out of other people.

As everyone was preparing to go whilst busily patting each other on the back, someone remembered that the Jewish delegate hadn’t spoken. A black-garbed bearded rabbi was called to the podium. Taking his notes from his pocket and adjusting his spectacles, he drew a deep breath. “Friends and fellow believers in G-d,” he began, “As representative of the oldest monotheistic faith in the world, one that formed the basis for the morality of the Western world and of a people that has undergone persecution in the name of religion for 2000 years, I must tell you that the past six months have not been easy ones. We Jews have our factions, Orthodox and Reform, Ashkenazi and Sephardi, Zionist and non-Zionist, Hassidim and Misnagdim, and yet we all have come to the realisation that for the sake of world peace, the environment of our planet and the continuation of the human race, we have to make far-reaching compromises. So, bearing all this in mind, we finally decided that we, representatives of the Jewish religion, are prepared to give up on the second Yekum Porkun of Shacharis on Shabbas. Thank you.”

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I dont touch a drop.

Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I dont smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I dont do drugs.

Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Havent touched a woman in my life.

Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

You’ve ever been shirtless at a freezing football game.Your carpet used to be part of a football field.Your basketball hoop used to be a fishing net.There’s a roll of duct tape in your golf bag.You know the Hooter’s menu by heart.Your mama is banned from the front row at wrestling matches. Your bowling team has it’s own fight song.You think the “Bud Bowl” is real.You wear a baseball cap to bed.You’ve ever told your bookie “I was just kidding”.

How do you double the value of a Ford Pinto?

Fill the gas tank!

Q. What does a sign on a whorehouse say in the middle of the day?

A. Beat it – were closed.

Q: How do you circumsize a redneck?

A: You kick his sister in the jaw.

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasnt done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, she lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, theres nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. I just rented an adult movie from you and theres nothing on the tape but static. Sorry about, that, replied the store clerk. Weve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent? The blonde replied, Its called Head Cleaner.