Old and New Jokes

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.

One says to the other, Are you all right?

No, I lost an electron!

Are you sure?

Im positive!

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

Ive been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem, thats very common among losers.

Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together?

Their slogan was, Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back.

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.

That was nice of you, she says, looking around… But wheres his wheelchair? (woo-hoo! thats MEAN! 🙂

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 oclock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesnt happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesnt happen every day.

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, Jesus is watching you!while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, Who said that?! Once again he heard the same thing, Jesus is watching you! The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, Cornelius. The robber said, What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?! The parrot said, The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husbands key in the lock. Hurry, she said to the repairman, youll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldnt stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, I didnt see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?

A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.

My first wish the Belgian said, is a bottle of beer that will never be empty.

And flash, there was the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very happy.

What is your second wish ?, the dwarf asked.

The Belgian replied: I want another bottle

A big-time executive walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was
studying, something in his hand. The executive leaned close as the drunk held
the object up to the light. Well, it looks like plastic, the drunk said. Then
he rolled it around in his fingers and added, And it feels like rubber.

Curious, the executive asked, What do you have there?

The drunk shook his head, Damned if I know. It looks like plastic and feels
like rubber.

The executive said, Let me take a look. He examined it, rolled it between his
fingers and said, Yeah, youre right. It does look like plastic and feels like
rubber, but I dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

The drunk replied, Out of my nose.