- Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.
- Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.
- Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.
- Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town …
- Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
- Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.
- Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
- Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.)
- Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
- Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roomates two front teeth …
- Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
- Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!
- Whip your roomate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.
- Tear down all your roomates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!
- Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!
- Tell your roomate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.
- Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
- Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
- Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomates friends give it a yank.
- Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
- Stand in front of the mirror reciting How the Grinch Stole Christmas over and over in your underwear.
- Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturaly.
- Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, he sees you when youre sleeping…
- Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her I had to let them stay here, theres no room at the inn.
- When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tellhim/her that Santas elves must have done it.
31
Dec
31
Dec
A man walks into a psychiatrists office and says that hes having a problem with his job.
The psychiatrist asks the man what kind of work he does and the man replies that he is a animal maintenance man for a traveling circus.
The psychiatrist asks what the problem is.
Well, replied the man, Im assigned to tend to the elephants. All day, its my job to clean up the elephant crap from their cages. When we arrive in a new town, I also have to walk behind the elephants in the parade and clean up if they crap. And, during the performances, I have to run out and clean up the ring if they crap. Now, doctor, I dont know if youve every seen elephant crap, but its really huge and it smells really awful. And, thats all I every seen to do is clean up elephant crap. I smell like elephant crap, I dream about elephant crap, and I feel like elephant crap,!
The psychiatrist asked, So how does that make you feel? (editors note: psychiatrists are required to ask that question or they cant get paid).
The man responded, I have little motivation to do my job, no job satisfaction, and extremely low self-esteem. So, what do you think, doctor, can you help me?
After thinking a bit, the psychiatrist replied It appears to me that the solution to your problem is very simple. Why dont you just quit your job?
The man jumped up and indignantly replied, WHAT! AND, GIVE UP SHOW BUSINESS!
31
Dec
Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were
taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a
small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room,
and one bell ding-a-linged furiously. To the showers, Fogarty! barked the
old priest.
Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling,
ding-a-ling.
Sorry about that, OBrian. The showers for you, too.
Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as
the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and
the bell silent.
Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone! the priest exulted.
You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers.
Ding-a-ling.
31
Dec
And so it came to pass, that the king of the tribe (pick your location) died, while his son was still a young child. The tribe gathered around the kings grass hut, and mourned. And the minister took charge, while the boy grew.
But a minister cannot sit upon the throne, so it was stored in the royal grass hut. To keep anyone else from sitting upon it, a rope was attached and the huge, ornately-carved chair was hoisted up inside the ceiling of the domed hut, until the boy came of age to be crowned.
One day, as the boy was playing quietly in the hut, the rope broke, and the heavy throne plummeted to the floor, crushing the poor prince to death.
To this day, we remember that PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDNT STOW THRONES.
31
Dec
One Saturday morning, Glen decided to go fishing.
He sat there for hours,but nothing. The bottle whiskey that heve took with him,was also empty. He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.
All of a sudden, there was something on the hook. He pulled the fish out of the water. The only fish for the day so far. The fish was so small, Glen decided to throw it back.
The little fish was so exited, to such an extend, that it decided to give Glen one wish.
He asked the little fish for some more whiskey. The fish said, Allright then, when youre urinating, it will be pure whiskey.
So Glen sat there, and wonder, can this really be? Glen took a glass and urinate in it. It was pure, pure whiskey.
A while later, a women, who was standing nearby, comes to him and asks, sir are you allright? I saw you drinking your own piss.
No, said Glen, its whiskey.
The women laughed. He urinate into the glass, and gave it to her. She couldnt believe it.
So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking whiskey.
After about the seventh double, she asks Glen for a nother one. He looked her in the eye, throw the glass into pieces against the rock and said What about drinking out of the bottle?
31
Dec
Q: Why cant Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!
31
Dec
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?
A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.
31
Dec
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers!
31
Dec
I dont know the original source; suffice it to say that I saw it
on a photo-copied piece of paper.
I have updated it to fit current North-American political and taxation
trends…
Combined Canada / U.S Income Tax Calculation and Remittance Form
(Simplified) Form #1990-1a
North-American Free Trade Agreement Tax Treaty Tax Year 1990
How much money did you make? $_______.___
Send it in! $_______.___
31
Dec
You might be a redneck if…
You cant get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.