I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister.
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!
Three guys are debating who has the best memory:
Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.
Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School!
Guy 3: Heck thats nuthin, I can remember going to the senior prom
with my father, and coming home with my mother.
10,000 years from now Aliens will land on Earth and ask why no one got there Were Coming message. It is discovered that the Aliens had posted it to alt.test and no one saw it. Aliens laugh at SETI at Home idea as akin to reading tea leaves.
Hello! The SETI project is a scam. It is run by the NSA to use the massed CPU cycles of the first world to break peoples PGP passwords via brute force attacks.
Opps! Sorry, but two years from now the SETI people will announce there was a bug in their software and youll all have to start over.
The major American TV networks will launch a similar project in which the worlds PCs will be harnessed to cull through archives looking for a plot, or even a punch line, they havent used eight hundred times before.
SETI project is revealed to be part of Intel/Microsoft plot to gain access to computers of a segment of the population that traditionally not fallen for the free AOL account trap.
Well, if if youre looking for intelligence you wont find it among people who pay thousands for the fastest CPUs they can get then bog the machines down trying to make sense out of background radiation.
Extra terrestrials are flabbergast to find out when spent years analyzing the line noise created by stars they were moving around to spell out Hello humans in the heavens.
The home computer of one Penny Beatrice Century of Moreno, California churns out the vital link to communicating with other-worldly beings. But her husband accidentally deletes it trying to hide evidence of all the nudie .jpgs he had downloaded the night before.
JPL probe to find out the pranksters behind the nude photo of Uma Thurman painted on the Mars 17 probe also uncovers that the same group came up with the SETI at Home screen saver hoax. Forty two scientists are fired.
After decades of work by thousands it is decided the SETI at Home project was a well meaning but doomed, pointless task. But even its critics say it gave hope to many and thus on the whole was not intricacy evil.
(From Internet Oracularities)
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. Thats right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesnt End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECO 001 Whats Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When Youre Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECO 002 What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If Its Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Dont Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230 Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Part 1
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 231 Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Part 2
Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-In-Laws
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say Yes, Dear
ECO 003 Cheaper to Keep Her
The car selling magazines have a vocabulary all their own; understanding it is essential to avoid getting lemon-ized.
What is saysWhat it means
Must sellBefore it blows up
Runs fineI was going to say runs excellent but I had a last minute conscience attack
Needs some body workWas blindsided by a Winnebago
Well-maintainedI changed the oil occasionally
Looks like newJust dont try to drive it anywhere
All originalI never had anything fixed, adjusted or replaced
Loaded with optionsEach one more troublesome than the next
Never smoked inUnfortunately, thats the best thing I can say about it
Project carDoesnt run.
Lots of potentialDoesnt run.
Needs minor repairDoesnt run.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, Im still a virgin.
What? said the puzzled groom.
How can that be if youve been married ten times?
Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didnt know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that Ive married you, Im really excited!
Good, said the new husband, but, why?
Youre a lawyer. This time I know Im gonna get screwed!
Of course it did NOT went as well as I hoped it will go.
First I noticed ecards do not work anymore. After some digging I found one missing file. They should all work now.
Then I noticed that DOWNLOADS section is completely empty. What a bummer – I had a lot of funny stuff there… well – they will have to be re-added manually… Will probably have no time for it today so this will most likely happen tomorrow…
Not to mention the banners (big ones – 468×60 are gone from site header)
Webcam link mysteriously disappeared from the right menu (other custom menus did survive the upgrade)
Ecards admin did not work (it did after some editing of some configuration files…)
If you find any other bugs – please let me know by sending email to: webmaster at huumor dot com
New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies…
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.
When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL… LOL!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than password.
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
Columbuss Mother: I dont care what youve discovered, you
still could have written!
Michealangelos Mother: Cant you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff
off the ceiling?
Napoleons Mother: All right, if you arent hiding your report
card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show
me.
Abraham Lincolns Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Cant
you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
Marys Mother: Im not upset that your lamb followed you to
school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than
you.
Albert Einsteins Mother: But its your senior picture. Cant
you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse,
something…?
George Washingtons Mother: The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!
Thomas Edisons Mother: Of course Im proud that you invented
the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!
Paul Reveres Mother: I dont care where you think you have to
go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.