The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu
Chapter 1 – The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the
essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab
a personnel directors attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeets cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to
live in.
To grab an employers jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunters
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
Check ME out! Im no shrinking violet! Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Dont forget your
picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10
glossies from Glamor Shots on top.
Now that youve achieved that visceral oomph, its time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
salable skill. Lets look at some examples of putting the best
spin on a job seekers skills:
I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardees.
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a Grill Coordinator, or perhaps a
Culinary Technician.
I subbed in for my nephews paper route one weekend.
Ah! So you were previously employed in Communication
Services! Describe yourself as a Journalism Representative.
I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlies Angels reruns.
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.
Let them know how much time youve wisely invested in Popular
Drama Studies.
I worked in telemarketing.
Die you scumbag.
I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine.
I see! An Alternative Hygiene Researcher who throws
himself into his work!
Always remember to use active, can-do language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:
Excellence (cant get enough of this one!)
Goal-oriented
Forward-thinking
Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
Chapter 2 – The Interview
So now youve got that big chance to shine in person. Once
again, youve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider
your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high-
five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Heres
some suggestions for opening lines:
The voices told me Im perfect for this job.
I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.
Maybe you cant tell, but Im not wearing any underwear.
Lets make this fast, Im late for my medication.
The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.
I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
starship.
I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?
I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!
Now that youve made a big impression, make sure youll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewers desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting Wonder twin
powers, activate!
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)
And certainly dont forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.