Old and New Jokes

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dogs mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dogs mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since its closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

Theres no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Gods sake!

To which the guy responds, Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week hes forgotten his key!

Gentlemen:

I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you dont understand why it wasnt. Well, I will enlighten you.

In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.

In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $

88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.

In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).

In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.

The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.

In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldnt sell it.

So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, Id have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.

Yours for more credit,

Max

Overheard in the Engineering department here at Cal Poly:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.

Another said, no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.

The last said, actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?

A guy goes to his doctor and says,

Doc, I have a problem.

My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.

I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.

The doctor says, You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.

The man says, You have a deal Doc.

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, What happened?

The man answered, Nobody showed up!

None. Thats a sophomore course.

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely. Can you pay in cash? persisted the nun. Im afraid I cannot, Sister. Well, do you have any close relatives? the nun essayed. Just my sister in New York, he volunteered. But shes a spinster nun.

Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters; they are married to God.

Really…wonderful, said Smith. In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, If Im pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom. The red head replies,If Im pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top. The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, Then Im gonna have puppies !

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, Whats the matter Jim?

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, Throw me my 7-iron… You cant get out of here with an 8-iron!

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.



The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.



An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.



God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.



The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!



God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?

NASHVILLE, TN — With sales of God Bless The U.S.A. waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled, Greenwood said.

Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations.

Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.