My sisters first child was born in late August. In November, my sister went deer hunting with us (as she does every year).
Shed made arrangements with my mother to meet her at various times so she could feed her son. The only problem she had was that he didnt much like cold milk.
My sister took to wearing toe-warmers in her bra – no more problems.
Youre over the hill when …
Why couldnt Hellen Keller drive? Shes a woman.
(wgm@mitre-bedford.ARPA (Gregory M. Woodhouse) writes:)
News article:
A hole has been found in the fence surrounding the Happydale
Nudist Colony. Police are looking into it.
Heard on a police radio frequency:
Car 4, please investigate a report of a nude woman at large in the
vicinity of the 700 block of Temple. After a short silence, All
other squads, remain on your beat.
Theodore A. Kaldis
The soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with the following note:
I regret that I cannot remember which one is you – please keep your photo and return the others.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, Ill do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young womans hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, Paint my house!
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and cant remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.
The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and cant remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.
The third one responded, Well, Im glad I dont have that problem, knock on wood, as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them…
That must be the door, Ill get it!
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moroffs. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my Binford electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule Four: Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is, early.Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daught
Your mommas so fat that, when she puts on a yellow coat, people shout Taxi!
1. When you swallow
a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.
2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.
3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when
you want it.
4. The first one wont get mad if you need another one tonight.
5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.
6. You can throw it in the bin when youre done.
7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.
8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about
you.
9. You can do one in the car even while driving.
10. The aftertaste is certainly better.
11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.
12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.
13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends
and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.
14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.