A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasnt sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

Buffy, she said, How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?

Ten, said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

Buffy, she said. I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but Ive got 2 left over!

Yes, said Buffy. So did I.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck cant do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

What is the perfect wife? A good-looking, sex-craved, chef who owns a liquor store.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.
The hardware engineer went first. I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me. The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me. The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project managers turn. And what would your wish be? asked the genie. I want them both back after lunch replied the project manager.

Did you ever watch the movie What about Bob??

Well heres a poem from it:

Roses are red

violets are blue

Im a schizophrenic

and so am I!

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldnt expect *you* to understand …

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.
Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.
You have to have sex with me when I ask.

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!

Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!

No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!

I usually do jokes about the 50s because there wasnt much humorous in the US during the 60s, except for the hippies:

Male Hippies were the guys with the long hair. Actually, it probably came in handy – they didnt have to buy shirts

It really bothered me seeing them comb their shoulder length hair around food – and the girls were just as bad

Every morning at the bus & train stations you could see the hippie chicks using the rest rooms to dirty-up a little

The hippie chicks of that era really didnt have much taste in clothes – Id seen poultry dressed better

And all of the hippies could carry their medicine cabinets right along with them – in brown paper bags

Im not sure which was worst, their body odor or their breath; with all the drugs used, if they breathed on ya, youd go limp

Theres still some old hippies around, but instead of drugs, theyre snorting prunes and Maalox now

Even back then, the hippies tried to legalize marijuana; but… they kept forgetting where they left the petitions

One hippie mixed the ashes from his cremated ex with pot – said it was the only time she ever made him feel good

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to
her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic
fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, Sir! Please stop that
immediately.

Certainly, madame, replies the waiter with a bow. Which way was it headed?

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*… he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off….

Not so fast, says she. How do you know it was our cat?

Could you describe him? What does he look like?

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said…

He looks like thtsas he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

Oh no, you *horrible* man, she replied.

I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!