Old and New Jokes

A
rich man and a poor man are talking about what they
gave their wives for Valentines Day. The rich man
says I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond
ring. The poor man says Why did you get her both?

Because if she doesnt like one she always has the other…what did you get
your wife? The poor man replies, I got her slippers and a dildo. The rich
man says Why did you get her a dildo? The poor man says, So if she doesnt
like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself.

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.

Doctor: I have something to tell you… Your baby has got no legs… Father: Oh… I guess its still my son. Let me see it.

Doctor: Hes got no arms either… Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it!

Doctor: And hes got no trunk either… No head… Actually, its only an ear… Father: … Hes still my son, take me to him now.

Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.

Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! Doctor: Louder…hes deaf too!!!

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.



As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the days work.



He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.



The model said Oh, please, let me fix it for you. Its the least I can do.



He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and

close, then some familiar footsteps. Oh my God !!! he whispered loudly, Its my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your clothes off.

Person 1: Whats the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.

It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.

A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.

They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.

They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief nods and simply says, Yes…seen plane crash.

When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!

The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, Did you eat their legs?

The chief replied, We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!

Another rescuer asked, Did you eat their arms?

The Chief said, We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!

Finally, another rescuer had to ask, Did you..you know…eat their…things?

The cheif says, NO, you idoit!… even cannibals know that…

THINGS go better with Coke!

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.

Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.

She hollers, TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!

Goldberg says, Ill tell him.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?

A: They are both stuck-up cunts!

Two fathers and a rabbi decided to go swimming in a local lake one HOT day. So, they stripped and went swimming. As they were getting out, some ladies were strolling by the lake. One father yelled, Cover your privates! So both fathers covered that area, but the rabbi covered his face. Later, the other father asked, Why did you cover your face? The rabbi answered, I dont know for you two, but itd be my face theyd recognise.

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window. Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up! Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. Say, spoke up an alert passenger, Arent those parachutes? The pilot confirmed that they were.The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about? There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to go get help!

You might be a redneck if…
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.