A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
love pole.
Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios …

A guy returns home with a record of his favorite group. His wife asks him:

What have you bought that for? We dont have a record player.

I dont see why it has to bother you, answered the guy, Ive never told you anything when you bought your brassiers.

A man complained to his friend, My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.

His friend offered, Dont do that!!! Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy labor

It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins
Your daughters on drugs
Put her in rehab
Your wifes pregnant
It aint yours – get a lawyer
And if you dont stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better.

Yo mamas so stupid she thinks Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.

A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks its wrong, but also because he doesnt want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.His classmate tries to calm him donw by saying, Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you. Ill be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.After the deadline, the student asks, Did you really change the names of all the variables?Sure! the classmate replies. When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1…

Q: How do you babysit black kids?

A: Wet their lips and stick them to the wall!

Whats faster than a black guy with your TV?

His brotha with your VCR.

A Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Methodist minister were discussing sin, and the Methodist asked, Tell me, guys, have you ever sinned and broken the laws of your religion?

I must admit, responded the Rabbi, I was always very very curious about how pork tastes, so once, just once, I stopped at a bar-be-que restaurant when I was on a vacation and ate a pork sandwich. In fact, it was so delicious, I ate four of them, knowing Id never have the nerve to sin again like that.

The Catholic joined in, Well, I had the same curiosity about sex, and that being forbidden, I didnt know which sex would appeal to me more, so I once, while in seminary, had a sixteen-year-old girl and her brother at the same time. I was so overcome with feelings of guilt that Ive never done anything like that again. Well, what about you, Pastor Bob?

The Methodist said, My besetting sin is GOSSIP, and I just cant wait to tell everybody in town what you guys have said!

This is probably a true story

I ordered 2 Megs of RAM. They arrived on Friday.

On Monday, I had the following conversation with the people from whom I bought them.

Hello, this is MacCenter, how can I help you?

I ordered two Megs of RAM last week and I received them but Im having trouble getting them out of the package.

What seems to be the problem?

Theyre encased in a laser printer.

(silence)

Oh my goodness!

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son. Whats the question?

Son: What is Politics?

Father: Well, lets take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so lets call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so well call her Government. We take care of your need, so lets call you The People. Well call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?

Son: Im not really sure, dad. Ill have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his brothers crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maids room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boys knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think i understand what politics is.

Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.