31
Dec

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the
country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run
the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but dont really understand the Washington Post. They do,
however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldnt mind running
the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didnt have to
leave L.A. to do it.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who arent too sure
whos running the country, and dont really care as long as they can
get a seat on the train.

The New York Post is read by people who dont care whos running
the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who arent sure
there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions
if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs,
who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy
as long as they are democrats.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country, but need the baseball scores.

31
Dec

The blonde, the brunette, and the bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable.

The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?

The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it very slow.

31
Dec

Creation of Canada

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, Where have you been?God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, Look Michael, look what Ive made.Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, What is it?Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put LIFE on it. Im going to call it EARTH and its going to be a great place of balance.Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, Ive placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. God continued, pointing to different countries, This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, Whats that one?Ah, said God, Thats Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. Theres beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and theyre going to be found traveling the world. Theyll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?God replied wisely, Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards Im putting next to them.

31
Dec

Torn Rubber

A boy asked his mother, Why is my big sister named MoonChild?

The mother said, Because she was conceived when the first man landed on the moon.

The son continued, Why is my other sister named CornFlower?

The mother said, Because she was conceived in a corn field.

Why is big brother named ThunderingStorm? he asked.

She replied, Because he was made during a storm.

The mother asked, Why are you so curios, TornRubber?

31
Dec

Bass quitar player is strangling a little kid

I was walking down the street one day, when I saw this guy strangling a little kid.

Whats going on here? I asked.

I was playing bass in that club, says the guy, and this little punk ran in and twisted one of my tuning pegs.

Thats horrible, I said, but its no reason to brutalize him.

The guy replied, Well, he wont tell me which one he messed with!

31
Dec

Moms wisdom

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: Hed just signed up at an army recruiters office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs, snickered one: You didnt really do that, did you?

Im positive youd never get through basic training scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?

31
Dec

Duh excuses…

Until recently, British Rail was probably the holder of the most stupid excuses for train cancellations or delays, with ones like these, which are now well-known throughout the UK:

leaves on the line

the wrong kind of snow

and more recently, a lesser known one about

a cow on the line

But today, on the travel news, a company has really excelled itself, The reason for delays?

a tree had fallen on the track

This doesnt really sound very remarkable, until you realise that the company in question is London Underground.

31
Dec

Drinking on the job!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, Man, I wish we had something to drink!

Jim says, Me too. Yknow, Ive heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings…Its Jim.

Jim says, Hey, how do you feel this morning?

Bud says, I feel great. How about you?

Jim says, I feel great, too. You dont have a hangover?

Bud says, No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover – nothing.

We ought to do this more often.

Yeah, well, theres just one thing….

Whats that?

Have you farted yet?

No…..

Well, DONT – cause Im in Phoenix!!!

31
Dec

Christmas Song – sung to the tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing

Hark the bar room voices sing

Out of tune and everything

Christmas time and lets go wild

Make the persian gulf look mild

Lets get drunk and all fall down

Take the car and speed thru town

Wrap yourself around a pole

Put your family on the dole

Hark the bar room voices scream

Pass the jug of irish cream

Get up early christmas dawn

Yawn the technicolor yawn

Kids are howling with delight

You were out too late last night

Even smiling hurts your head

Open gifts,go back to bed

Hark the bar room voices bark

Wheres the jug of cutty sark

Christmas comes home once a year

Dont you think you should be there

People love you, dont be jerky

Go home, eat some christmas turkey

Hug someone and then you say

Have a happy holiday

31
Dec

Spelling Problems

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

Where do you live? asked the operator.

Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, How bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?