Old and New Jokes

What do you call a bear with no socks on?

Bear foot, of course!

What happened? asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldnt make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldnt see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.
And did you manage to see what the sign said this time? asked the visitor.
Yes.
What did it say?
Dont stand up in the car!

If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddys wallet.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then Im easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean – Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system…

This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late.

Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life…

This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late.

The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system…

Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late.

On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: I hope we dont lose ANOTHER engine. Ill be late for my connecting flight from New York!

Hello, my name is _____ _______ and I have a thinking problem.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – to relax, I told myself – but I knew it wasnt true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment dont mix, but I couldnt stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, What is it exactly we are doing here?

Things werent going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mothers.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you dont stop thinking on the job, youll have to find another job. This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. Honey, I confessed, Ive been thinking…

I know youve been thinking, she said, and I want a divorce!

But Honey, surely its not that serious.

It is serious, she said, lower lip aquiver. You think as much as college professors, and college professors dont make any money, so if you keep on thinking we wont have any money!

Thats a faulty syllogism, I said impatiently, and she began to cry. Id had enough. Im going to the library, I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didnt open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life? it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porkys. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Manuel

Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdales?


A: So her daughter would visit twice a week.

Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?


A: Gefiltered.

Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?


A: Guilt

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What is a genius?


A: An average student with a Jewish Mother.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where hed first had sex.

It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours, Clem recalled.

That sounds wonderful, said Jed.

Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

Baaaaa…