The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbors fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: Im sorry honey but Im up to my neck in work today

Says She: But Ive got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

Says He: OK darling, but since Ive got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

Says She: Well, the air bag works…

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesnt matter, he wont come!

Q: How do you stop an Aussie from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Rev. Dr. Phil Herring,
Australia.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out.

But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

What did he say? asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, He said Get lost, Gringo. You wouldnt dare shoot me!

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied that it took only a little while.

The American then asked why didnt he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his familys immediate needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senior.

The American scoffed, I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise.

The Mexican fisherman asked, But senior, how long will this all take?

To which the American replied, 15 to 20 years.

But what then, senior?

The American laughed and said, Thats the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.

Millions, senior? Then what?

The American said, Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.

There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red

street in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a

little red shower so he put his little red towel on the little red towel

rack. Just as he was about to get in, the little red doorbell rang.

So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the

little red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman.

Just then a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away. The

woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.

The moral of the story?

Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.

Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?

Adam raises his hand and yells Me, Me, pick me!! So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says – Well, sorry Eve…but it looks like youre stuck with the multiple orgasms.

Two blokes were painting Concorde at Heathrow airport in London and it was taking a long time. They had just reached the wings and one goes, Smell this paint, it smells like vodka!!

The other bloke says Yeah, youre right, have a swig.

So he takes a swig, and it is just about palatable. Come the end of the shift they have drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are completely pissed. They stumble back to their homes and go straight to bed, nearly dead.

The first bloke wakes up and hes got the biggest hangover of his life. He climbs out of bed and falls flat on his face. He looks at his feet and he notices that some little wheels have grown out the soles of his feet.

What the fuck … he exclaims.

He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in the mirror. He had a 7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his shoulders were pushed back and his arms were now flattish.

Oh, for fucks sake …

Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the day before.

Thank God youve phoned … Ive got wheels on my feet, a long pointy nose, flat arms and I dont know what the fuck is going on …

The reply came, Yeah, I know … whatever you do dont fart, Im phoning from Bahrain!!

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