Old and New Jokes

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, Honey, this guy hasnt seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.

Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, Im so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!

Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

Hey lady! yelled Larry. Throw me the cat!

No! she cried. Its too far!

I play football, I can catch him!

The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street.

Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one- handed catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the cat into the pavement.

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8×10 cell.

At work, I spend most of my time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison they get three meals a day.

At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prision they can work out, read books, and play vollyball in the yard much of
the day, for free, then relax in their cell.

At work, I dont have any time on my break to go to the library or gym.

In prison they get time off for good behavior.

At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.

In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the
clothes.

At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors
myself.

In prison a guard would lock and unlock all the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games.

At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me
time to do it.

At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my
actions.

At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.

At work Im just ball and chained.

In prison they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.

At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work I get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes
from my salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison they get their own toilet.

At work I have to share.

In prison they spend most of their lifes looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.

At work I spend most of your time wanting to get out and… hey, where did those
bars on the widows come from?

In prison there are sadistic wardens.

At work, we have managers.

In prison they allow their family and friends to visit.

At work I cant even speak to my family and friends.

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbors fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? A: Her headlights werent working, so she was flashing people.

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: Im sorry honey but Im up to my neck in work today

Says She: But Ive got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

Says He: OK darling, but since Ive got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

Says She: Well, the air bag works…

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesnt matter, he wont come!

Q: How do you stop an Aussie from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Rev. Dr. Phil Herring,
Australia.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out.

But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

What did he say? asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, He said Get lost, Gringo. You wouldnt dare shoot me!

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.