Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. Hes met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An R! They left out the R”.God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "Its the letter R… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun dont shine. He dropped the horses tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon."Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?""Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin em."

A young girl was having a tooth pulled and the dentist tells her the usual B.S. This wont hurt at all routine before bending over her with the pliers in his hand. He instantly drops the pliers in total panic. Miss, he said in a weak whimper, Your grabbing my groin! Yes Doctor, I know she smiled, and we arent going to hurt each other, are we?

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

Toes Go In First

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said Disneyland left. So they turned around and went home.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?

Oh,look, Daddy….doughnut seeds!

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

Why cant blondes dial 911?

They cant find the 11 on the phone.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, shes got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a blondes been using your computer?

There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldnt blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,Oh, look at the dead bird. The blonde looked skyward and said, Where? Where?

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?

Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?

They drowned during spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

Duh! Look! They spelled Macys wrong!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Why are blondes boobs always square?

Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.

During the Popes recent visit to the US, there was a woman interviewed on the news who is associated with a group that is fighting to have the curch allow women to become priests.

At one point she said: There are church officials who tell us that women cannot become priests because there were no women at the Last Supper. I would have to respond: Who do you think cooked the food? Who served? And who cleaned up afterward?

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys.
If you dont believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!

A: She has a check book.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A whales penis is called a dork.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise
what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise
it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present and dont die throughout the movie.
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs
– it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and
purple.
The word samba means to rub navels together.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then
the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomachs contents and then
swallows the stomach back down again.
Every time you lick a stamp, youre consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

It was this little girls first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

She replied, Happy Butt.

The teacher said, Honey I dont think thats your name. You need to go to the principals office and get this straightened out.

So she went to the principals office and he asked, Whats your name?

And the little girl said, Happy Butt.

The principal called the girls mother to get this straightened out once and for all.

After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.

The girl then exclaimed, Glad Ass, Happy Butt, whats the difference?